hey man


long time no blog, eh? i know, right!?!?!?

i can’t get it together enough to blog on the reg.
but here i am now!


so the holidays are upon us. wow. i’m on vacation and it’s going to whiz by. i know it. before you know it i’ll be back to work again. but in the meantime, i am trying to make good use of the flexibility of schedule.

i moved all my furniture around today and i’m feeling more creative.

i drew this yesterday and today i am going to do another drawing.



hope you’re having a nice week!! ttys(omeday)

years fly

Hi. It’s been ages.

The holidays are once again upon us.
Are you excited?

Sorry for falling way behind on blogging.
Stuff happs.

I have been busy with eating my feelings.

Would you like anything?

Idk, trying to be quippy.

My blog has simply sat too long without
An update.
You know how it goes.

Blogging might be making a resurgence tho, so get ready!

i’m a model, you know what i mean?

okay well since my last blog post things have been happening I never did go to that show that I was worrying about and now there’s another one coming up this Saturday

I’m hoping for the best. at least this time it’s going to be in a situation that isn’t a meat market-y dance club type bar thing. this time it’s going to be outdoors at some kind of shopping mall event of some sort and it’ll be during the day, which is nice. –in Santa Rosa, California– so pretty much the Bay Area wine country and hopefully we’ll go have a nice meal and maybe do some wine tasting afterward, who knows? I have a pretty good feeling about it.

it’ll be nice to get out of town and just do something a little bit different. will be leaving at 6 a.m. on Saturday which is crazy but also good. I’m a morning person so it works for me.

It’s weird being forty-something! i feel so old! I want to feel younger but that requires me doing stuff about it and i feel too old to! Like, having energy!

This hot weather could go away, that would help. It drains me. also the area where I live is beginning to have too many people and traffic going anywhere is a nightmare, parking lots are a nightmare, lines in stores are a nightmare and it makes me always just want to go straight home after work because stopping anywhere is a major inconvenience.

I do the best I can.

so now I’m home from work sitting in my apartment and I really don’t want to go anywhere because traffic is hellacious right now and it will be for like the next three hours… my body is exhausted by the end of a school day of me standing up. some classes are worse than others because the kids, as soon as you sit down- they immediately get off task, so that means you have to spend the whole day just walking around the room

so I’ll probably just watch a couple episodes of The Waltons until my boyfriend gets off work and comes over to visit for a couple of hours.

all day and all night

It’s saturday, once again.
I wake up and it’s already time to surrender. Choices constantly present themselves. How will i spend the next 3.5 hours before heading over to watch one of bf’s bands rehearse for their show tomorrow!

I’m nervous because I am an introvert, so i normally would avoid being in social situations… They are never preferred for me.

The best way for me to get thru and around that is to be a documentarian. Take pics and maybe a couple vids. They usually rehearse for 3 hours. That’s a long frickin time. I’m considering going in my own car in case i feel the need to leave. Hate feeling stuck somewhere.

So, first i guess coffee is in order, right? And im gonna curl my hair this morning. Haven’t really done that in a while. Never have been able to locate my curlers, i’ve looked everywhere. So i’ll have to use the hot iron.

I am also invited to the gig tomorrow, about which my feelings are mixed, as well. I am truly not a party person. I’ve tried lying to myself about being one, but i am a loner. Crowds? Not my thing. Especially not this kind of crowd. Sigh.

But WOOHOO! I’m excited!!
😆 If by excitement you mean nervous, apprehensive dread. 😯 If it were a concert-in-the-park, i’d be less apprehensive. This place is more like a weird sort of bar where kids are somehow allowed because it pretends to be a restaurant kinda thing. To me it’s a thinly veiled meat market for middle-aged swingers. 😀

Bf’s band is the opening act, and after the probably three hours of that, he says he is interested in sticking around to check out the main act. Ughhhh. Torture for me. I’m sorry to be negative but it’s stuff like this that makes me question the prospect for longevity in our pairing. I want to be supportive… But… I literally have zero interest in the venue, the people there or the main act whatsoever. It wont be like a date, believe me. Uh-oh. Ha.


where does time go? i don’t know.

i don’t have time to do blog posts. well, i do, but i don’t. it’s really just not convenient. and my blogging is just complaining about blogging.

i’m trying to be more positive and less negative in my life.
look at the bright side.
i’m not dead, yet.
may as well make the most of things.

i definitely struggle against the negative thoughts, tho, that’s for sure. recently lost a good friend and people are also dropping like flies, too, it seems like.

this coming weekend could be really good if i am able to keep it together.
it is what it is, tho, even tho i hate that saying.
i can either hack it, or i can’t.
why put so much pressure on myself?
how about i just let myself be a loser, failure?

i’m brave tho because despite my negative feelings and thoughts, i keep going. i don’t give up. and even tho lots of stuff i do to try to solve my problems seems to end up not solving anything or leading anywhere except to more problems…. i can’t give up. it’s just not an option.

so lately i have been watching dvds of the dalai lama giving teachings because i need the help, big time. and it does help.

car troubles, man troubles, getting old troubles… family troubles. all of the troubles. i am no expert at fixing them. maybe an expert at making them, tho.

and tomorrow is friday already?

good thing i am not the one in charge of this universe.
boy, i sure hope not, anyway!

i’ve been back to continuing to try to make healthy choices. gotta take care of myself. even when i am trying hard, it seems like i am not trying at all because the results are not so great. i blame fukushima.

i still have another blog post waiting in the queueueueueueu.

run errands with me

Happy hump-day, y’alls! How hangs it? Good? Glad to hear. pull up a chair and have a cup of hot ginger honey lemon tea with cinnamon. that’s what I’m having. it’s a great way to start the day.

I have not seen my boyfriend since Saturday. I’m told I should say ‘significant other’ because ‘boyfriend’ sounds temporary and flighty; and, ‘significant other’ sounds more mature and stable and long-term. but boyfriend is the word that I’m used to using so it feels kind of contrived to say “SO”. but in a lot of ways the internet and blogging and social media are all quite contrived, aren’t they? So why not roll with it, eh?

anyway, it was mostly just circumstances. I was irritated or mad at him on Saturday evening. frequently when I get mad at him it’s due to my own misunderstanding of things, seriously.

right now it’s easy for me to say that because I’m not mad right now

but its true for myself when I look back and realize the thing that I was mad about I was usually just confused or seeing things in a weird way and later if I give it time it makes more sense and then it’s like: oh, well there was really no reason for me to be upset. poor guy right? Having to deal with a female and her emotions being all over the place.

but then sunday was a day of chores, monday was work and then being tired afterwards, Tuesday he had rehearsal… so, here we are today and he is going to come over after work. Wee! but honestly it’s been good for both of us. we gotta get a little bit of perspective sometimes. and it’s nice to get those ‘I miss you’ texts.

so now I have an appointment for physical therapy on September 1st at 6:45 a.m. OMG
and then I also have a dentist appointment the next week and this coming week I have another doctor appointment because I need an ultrasound for my breasts because they said that my breast tissue is very dense which means that a mammogram is not really going to be 100% accurate. so they said that my mammogram was fine like no cancer was seen however my dense breast tissue means the results are not completely reliable.

when I was growing up my mom always used to say, “it’s another ding-dong day” and I used to take that to mean like, “same old shit, different day”… yep, here we are again, right? I should do something interesting but I probably won’t, because I’m a ding dong.

I’m going through another crisis of wanting to get rid of my sofa. I just don’t want it. it’s not comfortable, it’s falling apart and it’s just something I need to get rid of, but it’s not easy to get rid of because first of all how am I going to get it out of my apartment and down the stairs? and then what?
I’m not going to try to do it by myself because I’ll just hurt my back and that is not wise. suffer now I’m stuck with it and it’s causing my life to have blocked Chi.


yeah I think today I should really work on clearing clutter from my apartment and cleaning it up cuz its just too chaotic right now and I’m sick of it. It always seems like I’m getting somewhere but then boom it’s a huge mess again, like, it’s so hard to keep it all up. does life ever seem overwhelming to you? Like there’s just too much stuff to consider and think about and be responsible for? Seriously.


I just spent at least an hour doing random cleaning– some dusting, putting things where they belong, throwing things away, some bleaching in the bathroom… every little bit helps and I’m going to keep on going all day as much as possible. the focus of this day is going to be cleaning my apartment! what can be wrong with that? nothing.

I keep thinking that I should go get some containers to put things in to keep things more organized and I do want to do that but I am NOT going to do it soon because it’s just an excuse to not have to do the cleaning right now and that’s going to come first. sorry about the run on sentences but I use voice to text on my phone to blog and going back through and punctuating everything is really a pain in the ass and it is not easy to take speech and then make it grammatically correct. bah! I’m such a lazy butt, right?

well folks, I hope you’ve enjoyed this update on my progress and I hope that this blog post has helped me to sort a few things out so that I can continue to sort things out in my life because I just read this quote and it says, “keeping your personal life together is not an optional indulgence but an absolute necessity when it comes to being of use to others in the world” joan halifax, zen buddhist priest

everyone must stand alone

I loaded all the pictures for this blog post 5 days ago and only now am I getting around to adding some words.

these photos are from last weekend not this most recent one but a week ago when my SO and I went to denios Swap Meet & flea market.

it was a warm day we’ve been having triple-digit weather, on the weekends especially, but yesterday and today 102+

being on vacation is making me feel fat. my weight hasn’t actually changed for many many years but the makeup of my body changes and lately, I have too much fat on my midsection. this is what happens when you’re 42 years old– it’s really hard to keep the metabolism up. especially when you’re sitting around a lot during the day and eating is sort of like entertainment.

these aren’t excuses… it’s just the way life is. my life anyway. my life– my blog: my self expression, my opinions.

very few of the people who read this blog (which is also very small number) even have WordPress accounts… so they can’t sign in to leave a comment here.

you can interact with me on Twitter or Instagram or ello.
follow the links on the sidebar to my Twitter account or my Instagram account.

I dislike facebook very much. I just don’t like the general feeling of it & it’s a lot of crud. it’s kind of like the worst pulp fiction or National Enquirer. I just don’t like the feelings that it engenders and the thoughts that it provokes, but I still look at it because rummaging through all of the riff-raff every once in awhile you see something interesting. I just really try to limit my time and exposure there.

ello is my favorite because there’s a lot of really good quality stuff on there that’s interesting and unique and personal and expands my horizons.

for most of my life, I have suffered from long-term low-level dysthymia. translation: I’m emo.
sometimes all that really feels like is it feels like something’s not right but you can’t figure out what it is. so it makes it hard for me to make decisions, to take actions; and, I spend a lot of time thinking and overthinking things instead of doing stuff.

I’m almost finished reading Wicked. I probably have about 25 pages left til I reach the end of the book. I have other books waiting in line to be read.

last week I went through a terrible spell of back pain that must have been a pinched nerve or some kind of spasm but I could barely even move or walk for 24 to 48 hours pretty much. in my mind I started to wonder if this was just going to be the way it was forever and then I figured my tolerance for pain would increase and perhaps it would be the new normal but it’s better now, thank goodness, because that was awful.

when I went to the doctor and we looked over my xrays she was saying that typically they recommend surgery when the degree of curvature of the spine is as high as mine and it’s hard for me to comprehend having surgery on my spine, so I think the next step is going to be physical therapy first.

so here we are, it’s another Monday. Time marches on. what does it all mean?

the repetition of life is really weird to me. It’s like that movie Groundhog’s Day, you know?

Oh well. I’m probably just an idiot. Haha. What’s a girl to do?

Being a grown up is hard, kids. it ain’t no cake walk, let me tell you.