when you assume…

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hi. do i look like a grumpy soccer mom? sometimes i forget about smiling when i am taking photos. especially when i can’t see myself, like here where i was using auto timer on my camera.

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wow, it’s amazing that two of my days off are already over! so many things i want to do all at once and sometimes i just spin my wheels, ya know? but i have accomplished a few things.

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last weekend, bf and i went for a little drive to Jackson, California. fun little place. it was pretty impromptu, so we only had a small lunch and looked around a haunted hotel.

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i have been getting the WORST allergy sneezing attacks in the middle of the night. it is NOT fun! i still have some allergies during the day but NOTHING like how they are at night. i will wash all my bedding today. it’s probably due to leaving my window open and having massive amounts of pollen all over my room.

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i’ve been eating a lot healthier every day now for months and it’s helping… slowly but surely. people tell me i look great all the time. it’s such a slow change tho and i sorta lack a stable self-concept… i literally forget a lot what i look like and sometimes i just can’t tell. can you? can you tell what you look like? it’s weird.

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we re-visited our shared enjoyment of old cemeteries. love to walk around them and think and chat. some people might think that is disrespectful, but it’s not.

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here’s an unedited one. none of them turned out ‘perfectly’ as to how i was imagining it. ya take what ya can get sometimes.

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whimsical, isn’t it? love it.

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i dropped hints that i’d like to stay here on/for my birthday, which isn’t ’til June, mind you… but plans are already starting. i’ll be 42? wowsas. time FLIES, LET me tell ya. it’s no joke. no april fools, that.

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i HAVE been slowly but surely also doing some exercising. i have ADD so it is hard for me to stay focused on anything at all, seriously. but i figured out that doing squats while resting my back on an exercise ball on the wall works really well to avoid back strain. i can do those til my legs won’t let me anymore. and i have ten pound free weights where i do a few different arm reps to exhaustion as well. one of the best ways to stay inspired is instagram accounts which focus on lifting and eating clean. yeah! it’s not about being thin, it’s about being VITAL and healthy. my bf mentions how great i am looking regularly now. i LOVE that. great motivator.

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and yes, being in love, which i am and have been, has been great for me. i mean, i’m really crazy about him! it doesn’t go away. he doesn’t annoy me. everything he is and does is amazing to me and it’s getting better! oh yeah! dream come true. i think it’s gonna keep on getting better, too!

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well, this is just a check-in. i’m still trying to sort out how to get online with this new notebook i got from my lil sis. tried it at the library and hit a snag. gonna see if some other wifi source will be more amenable. ttyl!!

eventually eventful

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spring has sprung! it’s Saturday and the first day of my 9-day sabbatical of Spring Break! sometime probably today i will receive my little sister’s notebook (free after i donated to her vegas partying fund, haha) and this spring break is gonna be all about being documented on the computer in free wifi hotspot cafes. haha. but TODAY i’ve got my sites set on backyard shenanigans with the bf. yeah baby. barbecuing, maybe i will mow his lawn. haha. not that lawn, did that last weekend. jk. not really jk.

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last night he took me out for a celebration dinner for a promotion he just got at work. i’m happy about it. he will have a more regular/predictable schedule so i won’t be as annoyed about not ever knowing when he starts, when he finishes, when his lunch and breaks are, etc. i have a lot of free time with my job, my schedule is basically pretty clear and i’m off early so i have downtime is all i’m saying.

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had him take this pic of me last night. he isn’t used to it/my camera. only took one shot. this was it. oh well. whatevah! it was nice of him to oblige. it’s aight. every moment is unique and special.

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so yeah, there’s this hoppin’ little mexican restaurant within leisurely walking distance of my apt.. actually many cool places very close. it’s like i live in a mini-hidden resort town, it’s so cool. i can go on vacation just by walking out my front door. a lot of times i don’t take advantage of it because i sometimes go into hermit mode, but it’s much better to go out-of-doors, you know.

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i had the ceviche. it’s on the menu as an appetizer, but it’s perfect as a meal. our waitress was quite blase and did not seem concerned about us at all. we had to ASK for silverware. and she didn’t even act apologetic about that. whatever. she did blandly say, “thank you for your patience” a couple of times when she quite obviously was lollygagging about being bored. whatever. i didn’t care at all. was perfectly content, but bf was starving and also has special dietary concerns. she was clearly phoning it in last night. jus saying. luckily for her i didn’t have my phone with me or i might’ve yelped about her. haha. but i still could, if i got bored enough. it might happen.

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anyway, if you’re reading this, i hope you have a great weekend. i’m going to! just relax and enjoy life as it comes…. no big specific plans. come what may. let’s play!

nature soakage

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there are so many life events i never seem to blog.  tryna catch up, here, folks.

 

 

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the last two weekends were action-packed and this one promises more of the same. bf has a show. first one of the season! i’m going as his date. i’m a little apprehensive, tho i truly ought not to be. it’s just kinda what i tend to do. i’m not a very social person.

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work has been good. still a pretty good gig. it suits me. hopefully someone on the internet who has threatened to try to sabotage that for me will not try to do such a thing and if she does hopefully it will backfire on her. lame sauce, man. seriously. what would that accomplish?

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i’m glad tomorrow is Friday, though. that’s always a big bonus aspect of working a job with regular weekday hours.

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i’ve been doing pretty well on continuing to make healthier eating choices but not really very well on maintaining the regular exercise. it’s a lifelong effort, though. just haven’t been in the mood the past week. bf and i made this together last weekend. we shopped for all the stuff together, bbq’d it together and ate it together. that’s what it’s all about, yeah?

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i love eating eggs for breakfast. i’ve been making myself two soft-boiled eggs for breakfast for a few weeks now and it really works. i feel energized and satiated for hours just from that. it’s a good feeling and easy and cheap and quick to clean up.

meltdown town

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blogging at the library sucks! lots of things suck, man! seriously! life is too much sometimes.
people sitting next to you that you don’t know and they are making noises and trying to sneak looks at what you are doing, etc. not a great blogging environment. totally kills the mood for me.

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but we keep calm and carrie on, don’t we? yep.

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i’m spending half the time trying to figure out where this computer saves files. argh!

i never use real computers anymore, with real keyboards. it’s a totally different animal.

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bad shadows on face. blah. i’m so out of practice with all of this stuff.
but HEY! life isn’t so bad! i’m just feeling really melodramatic right now, having pre-PMS most likely. fun stuff!!!

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right when i got out of my car here, i was in much need of some nature soakage and an old man exclaimed, “i just love red heads! and one with a cute figure too!” haha,
his wife was right behind him. she didn’t mind. i guess it gets to such a point. may as well let a man enjoy the scenery.

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anyway, it made me feel a little bit better. it was nice to receive an unsolicited compliment.
and now, it seems i am out of time. fun while it lasted. lots to do. can’t just sit around on the computer all day. ever. :(

but lots is good! as usual! so thanks for listening!!!!

the bright side

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how’s it goin’?

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i am at the library. today was kinda like a boring day at work but boring/easy is better than not boring/demanding like some days can be. so i’ll take it.
my job is still pretty cool, all in all. nothing is ‘perfect’ tho, right? or is it? haha.

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this is a pic i would not normally desire to share because of my own insecurities about my age and appearance but i am trying to continue working on self-acceptance and not just totally deluding myself about how i look.
as well, i am trying to work on not deluding myself about anything, if i can help it. but sometimes, yeah, you do have to because part of life is having things not be exactly how you want or wish they would be.

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this picture is also pretty lame. but hey, that’s me… lame.
gotta own it, i guess… right?

look, i’m sorry if i am a jerk and i probably am sometimes… who isn’t? i’m no Mother Teresa.

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in other news, it seems like the relationship i’ve been wanting is more likely to continue. the guy i’ve got a ‘thing for’ seems to be coming around. he’s talking about things like this is gonna be long-term… making plans for camping trip this summer and traveling to germany in a few years or so. i’m starting to feel like it’s the real deal and that is great! normally, i’m extremely cynical and there is still that underlying tendency in me… but i’m working on that little doubting voice… saying, ‘hey, let’s see what happens, maybe just let it be and see?’ and yeah. it’s a good thing. maybe i can relax a bit. there will always be challenges but the main one is kind of dealt with and it is this: if it doesn’t work out, i will live and it won’t be the end of the world.

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he has a very positive attitude about everything, pretty much. maybe it’s a skill which is more developed in him than in me. i mean, i AM a survivor and have a strong will, that is for sure, but i was brought up by pessimists, so it’s a little bit ingrained… we see ourselves as realists, we pessimists….

life is life. impermanence is the main theme. this may very well be a simulated reality, a virtual reality we live in. can you be sure it’s not?

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i’m pretty sure he is a pretty cool dude, as far as my opinion of cool dudes, goes.
i do know one thing, which i think is pretty important in a relationship, is i get a little thrill when i think about him and remember when i first saw him and other times we have shared and when i think about seeing him again.

and i have weird fantasies about taking care of him when he gets old. haha. i’m strange, i know.

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he says he has noticed an improvement in my appearance. that’s nice. i’ve been just being more conscious about what i eat, mostly. trying to be moderate in my habits… trying to stay more focused on my body. it’s great. i go through phases.

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blah blah. bottom line right now is that life is work but we make sacrifices and we don’t spend a ton of time beating ourselves up because that doesn’t do any good.
my main goal would be to follow the buddhist concept of …. if you can’t help someone, at least don’t hurt them…. but as i said, i’m not perfect and sometimes i don’t realize everything and sometimes i am a jerk.

tree-huggers

Hello dear readers how have you been? How have you been enjoying the demise of human civilization? ;) Or have you been? What else can we do; am i right?

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I don’t know I mean I feel like I have a life…. I mean, it’s been going on for a while so its gotta be something. I do all the things that humans do eat sleep drink excrete… Procreate. postings on the Internet. What else is there? study, learn, read.. do art. Blog.

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Don’t even get me started with all the stupid internet crap that’s been going on as of late I don’t have time for it who does it’s really insane hope you’ve enjoyed the drama if you’ve been watching hashtag spectacle

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Gotta hit the hay, is all else I can say for now. Ttfn. Xo.

takes one to know one

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Hate to say it but this predestination movie with Ethan Hawke is ruined by the fact that really it’s only about that chick who is a man now and I don’t really like that it’s like part of that whole Androgeny agenda that Hollywood has. No thank you. I have better things to do. that’s so 1994.

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After this long weekend I’m pretty burnt out on social media right now so blogging is now my last resort.

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My apartment is cleaner than its been in months, All my food for this week’s lunches is ready to go. I’m starting to get ready for summer. Although it already feels like summer here in California it’s spring late spring weather.

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I could stand to do a load of laundry but everytime I go to the store I always forget to get cash back so I can have some quarters.

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Everything that happens is for the best ultimately you know it I know it we all know it that’s just the way it is and otherwise if its for the worst what are you going to do about it?

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Any time you attempt to make positive changes in your life I think that’s a good thing.

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The older I get the more I know who I am and maybe the less I Know Who I am but also the less it matters what you think about who I am. And if you let it bother you that I have an opinion about you I’m sorry…. I have as much all right to my opinion as you do to yours.

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I feel okay I feel good my life is fine I have hope for the future I have goals I have things I like and enjoy and I’m doing my best I hope the same for you