when your life starts to feel stagnant at any point in time the best thing you can do is do something different than what you normally do on a daily basis so doing the same thing everyday is like a death sentence you can’t do it I’m a very, I like routine to a certain extent but… If you don’t switch things up once in awhile you’re just going to feel entrapped by your own life and its all up to you what you do you want to make a difference in your own life.

life isn’t always easy just ask the IBEX I mean it’s a constant struggle for survival in one way or another humans are a complicated species we have really intricate emotions and social lives

I recently watched interstellar and it took me several watchings to even be able to stay focused long enough to understand what was going on. Matthew McConaughey is an awesome actor by the way… It brought up a lot of questions it was mostly about time travel but a lot of questions about you know what are humans for in the first place why do we have emotions?

people are always going on and on about how we create our own reality with our thoughts do we do that and if so why and wow and scary. But at the same time it’s pretty awesome because you’re here in this like virtual reality of some sort and you can manipulate it and impacted by making choices. If you honestly don’t like the way things are going in the outcomes you’re experiencing you do have the power to change your actions and it will change the results.

I don’t think we’re meant to be victims and maybe we learn to be victims at some point in our lives from older family members or whatever like it’s some kind of tradition and certain cultures to think of yourself as a victim of your life but you really aren’t. Everything that you decide to think affects what you decide to do and what you decide to do if affects what you experienced. On some level we all know this.

we all experience disappointments setbacks etc it’s part of life it just is I don’t know why I can’t tell you why but sometimes it’s for the best. If we never experienced that box if we always got everything that we wanted the first time what whatever motivate us to try harder I personally am not a very ambitious person I don’t have lofty goals for myself I don’t want a lot of material possessions or any type of outward signs of success… So what’s going to be my motivator? I don’t even really believe in happiness because I believe in impermanence which is the reason that we all suffer I don’t believe that we’re here to always be happy. Buddhism says that yes we deserve happiness… idk. It gets confusing

and I just spilled a miniscule drop of red wine on my lovely beautiful gap ribbed tank yellow and white stripes. See? It’s always something.

I’m not really an optimist I consider myself to be a realist I think people who are overly optimistic are naive imbeciles personally but ok you know no judging I just think that it’s a pollyannaish attitude to always say that we can, we need, to always be happy no matter what our circumstances are but then again you know people who lived in concentration camps were capable of being happy it’s all in how you choose to look at things and has a lot to do with the type of life force that you have.

I live with chronic pain and I don’t really take responsibility for that because it was a congenital disorder or whatever I was born with it it’s something that happened to my spine my spine is totally crooked and it hurts it hurts. that pain is real.

not everything is in my control. other people’s actions are not always in my control and just because other people’s actions might be unpleasant to me doesn’t mean that I can ignore it and stick my head up in the clouds and pretend like everything is made out of rainbows. The solution is more in depth than that. That’s an oversimplification.

all I know is that I am here and that gives me the right to live.

private eyes are watching you

This is a picture from a time when i was enjoying my “boring” weekend, as queen of the trolls (from my point of view) puts it. it’s an internet thing… you wouldn’t understand… but of course you would. you’re ON the internet right NOW! silly me.

and it’s already Friday again! more “boring weekend” time to enjoy for me!

i wish i could have non-boring weekends. no i don’t. yes i do.

whatever. it’s my life, internet hater troll person. i do not understand the problem. apparently it is my fault because i tweet my opinions without naming names and you (troll) decide to read my tweets and get ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE saying i am stalking and harrassing you. it’s bullcrap. as i’ve always said, you have always been crueler, meaner and nastier to me than i have ever been to you: fact. which is why i despise you, bottom line.

it really gets old but it is like life…. unrelenting. ha.
anyway, look at this awesome geology and my cool sandals and my beach-themed toenails which now need to be changed since it’s been a week.

it’s a big deal to me. nobody else gives a rats poo about it except the other biznatch involved, i guess.
i just feel misunderstood and have from the get-go and i think that my original assessment of this person has held true the entire time. sorry charlie if you don’t like it.

there is this sitting next to me guy at the library who is very strange. he is like special ed, i guess. it’s kinda obnoxious.
it’s like, why do you have to sit by ME??

so yeah, my boyfriend and i went to visit his dad and his stepmom and we went to santa cruz for dinner and walked around a bit, then he and i spent the night in a hotel and spend a few hours the next day walking around this cool place where he used to always hang out and play when he was growing up.

my allotted time for internetting at la biblioteca has ended. must be moving on. more stuffs to do.

i’ll have to get back to you soon. :-)

squeezing it in

my boyfriend wanted to go out for ice cream, so i obliged. can’t be a spoil sport. he knows i’ve been working hard to get ‘my figure back’ but you have to have some fun, too. balance.

whenever i leave my house, i bring food with me so i can make sure to be able to resist the temptation to grab stuff that’s expensive and not healthiest.  i obsess on certain foods like eggs and avocados.  in order for me to make any progress on anything, it needs to become an obsession.


yesterday i got cilantro and basil plants to plant in my boyfriend’s backyard.  i want to encourage him to grow more food-producing plants in his garden to augment and compliment our backyard shenan w/e lifestyle which has become our fave new pastime.

next w/e is a plan to go to santa cruz with his paternal ‘rents.  i love having a totally awesome bf.  i really believe after all i’ve been thru that it takes at least a year to really get past all the barriers to having a real intimate relationship with anyone you haven’t known your whole life– specifically when you are older… 40, etc.  he’s 51.  i’ve dated mostly men who are 50 over the past few years.  for me, i have found it to be the perfect age of men.  ten years older than i (am old).  it works.

i ended up with an extra day off for spring break.  i’ll look forward to the reassurance of knowing more specifically what i’ll be doing with my day as soon as i wake up in the A.M.  my job still has a LOT of spontaneity and unpredictability, tho.  just enough to help keep it ongoing-ly interesting.

just checking in for a min

yesterday, i did laundry.
isn’t spring break great?

the lighting was all wrong on this photo. the one day i decide to take some timed shots in the laundry room tons of people are in there and the maintenance man was working on the door for like an hour.

this is just to prove that i did chores and actually accomplished something of value with my week off from work.

and here is another pic from that cemetery last weekend. what a lovely tree, eh?

i hope some day i can look back at all of my old blogs (some of which are now defunct and partially exist on blogspot) and be like, oh cool! i’m glad i documented all this crap! haha. right?

today i met with my boyfriend to have lunch with him on his lunch break and i got to ride along with him on one go-round of his route. it was cool!!!!! but i had to act like it wasn’t really happening so as not to alert the other passengers. it’s a new job and we don’t want anyone thinking there is any funny business going on. i was secretly having a blast, tho. it’s so fun to see him in some different persona. it’s so cool that he wanted me to!

this was a little dining area looking down over another dining area….

at the old hotel in jackson. the National

when you assume…

hi. do i look like a grumpy soccer mom? sometimes i forget about smiling when i am taking photos. especially when i can’t see myself, like here where i was using auto timer on my camera.

wow, it’s amazing that two of my days off are already over! so many things i want to do all at once and sometimes i just spin my wheels, ya know? but i have accomplished a few things.

last weekend, bf and i went for a little drive to Jackson, California. fun little place. it was pretty impromptu, so we only had a small lunch and looked around a haunted hotel.

i have been getting the WORST allergy sneezing attacks in the middle of the night. it is NOT fun! i still have some allergies during the day but NOTHING like how they are at night. i will wash all my bedding today. it’s probably due to leaving my window open and having massive amounts of pollen all over my room.

i’ve been eating a lot healthier every day now for months and it’s helping… slowly but surely. people tell me i look great all the time. it’s such a slow change tho and i sorta lack a stable self-concept… i literally forget a lot what i look like and sometimes i just can’t tell. can you? can you tell what you look like? it’s weird.

we re-visited our shared enjoyment of old cemeteries. love to walk around them and think and chat. some people might think that is disrespectful, but it’s not.

here’s an unedited one. none of them turned out ‘perfectly’ as to how i was imagining it. ya take what ya can get sometimes.

whimsical, isn’t it? love it.

i dropped hints that i’d like to stay here on/for my birthday, which isn’t ’til June, mind you… but plans are already starting. i’ll be 42? wowsas. time FLIES, LET me tell ya. it’s no joke. no april fools, that.

i HAVE been slowly but surely also doing some exercising. i have ADD so it is hard for me to stay focused on anything at all, seriously. but i figured out that doing squats while resting my back on an exercise ball on the wall works really well to avoid back strain. i can do those til my legs won’t let me anymore. and i have ten pound free weights where i do a few different arm reps to exhaustion as well. one of the best ways to stay inspired is instagram accounts which focus on lifting and eating clean. yeah! it’s not about being thin, it’s about being VITAL and healthy. my bf mentions how great i am looking regularly now. i LOVE that. great motivator.

and yes, being in love, which i am and have been, has been great for me. i mean, i’m really crazy about him! it doesn’t go away. he doesn’t annoy me. everything he is and does is amazing to me and it’s getting better! oh yeah! dream come true. i think it’s gonna keep on getting better, too!

well, this is just a check-in. i’m still trying to sort out how to get online with this new notebook i got from my lil sis. tried it at the library and hit a snag. gonna see if some other wifi source will be more amenable. ttyl!!

eventually eventful


spring has sprung! it’s Saturday and the first day of my 9-day sabbatical of Spring Break! sometime probably today i will receive my little sister’s notebook (free after i donated to her vegas partying fund, haha) and this spring break is gonna be all about being documented on the computer in free wifi hotspot cafes. haha. but TODAY i’ve got my sites set on backyard shenanigans with the bf. yeah baby. barbecuing, maybe i will mow his lawn. haha. not that lawn, did that last weekend. jk. not really jk.

last night he took me out for a celebration dinner for a promotion he just got at work. i’m happy about it. he will have a more regular/predictable schedule so i won’t be as annoyed about not ever knowing when he starts, when he finishes, when his lunch and breaks are, etc. i have a lot of free time with my job, my schedule is basically pretty clear and i’m off early so i have downtime is all i’m saying.

had him take this pic of me last night. he isn’t used to it/my camera. only took one shot. this was it. oh well. whatevah! it was nice of him to oblige. it’s aight. every moment is unique and special.

so yeah, there’s this hoppin’ little mexican restaurant within leisurely walking distance of my apt.. actually many cool places very close. it’s like i live in a mini-hidden resort town, it’s so cool. i can go on vacation just by walking out my front door. a lot of times i don’t take advantage of it because i sometimes go into hermit mode, but it’s much better to go out-of-doors, you know.

i had the ceviche. it’s on the menu as an appetizer, but it’s perfect as a meal. our waitress was quite blase and did not seem concerned about us at all. we had to ASK for silverware. and she didn’t even act apologetic about that. whatever. she did blandly say, “thank you for your patience” a couple of times when she quite obviously was lollygagging about being bored. whatever. i didn’t care at all. was perfectly content, but bf was starving and also has special dietary concerns. she was clearly phoning it in last night. jus saying. luckily for her i didn’t have my phone with me or i might’ve yelped about her. haha. but i still could, if i got bored enough. it might happen.

anyway, if you’re reading this, i hope you have a great weekend. i’m going to! just relax and enjoy life as it comes…. no big specific plans. come what may. let’s play!

nature soakage


there are so many life events i never seem to blog.  tryna catch up, here, folks.



the last two weekends were action-packed and this one promises more of the same. bf has a show. first one of the season! i’m going as his date. i’m a little apprehensive, tho i truly ought not to be. it’s just kinda what i tend to do. i’m not a very social person.

work has been good. still a pretty good gig. it suits me. hopefully someone on the internet who has threatened to try to sabotage that for me will not try to do such a thing and if she does hopefully it will backfire on her. lame sauce, man. seriously. what would that accomplish?

i’m glad tomorrow is Friday, though. that’s always a big bonus aspect of working a job with regular weekday hours.

i’ve been doing pretty well on continuing to make healthier eating choices but not really very well on maintaining the regular exercise. it’s a lifelong effort, though. just haven’t been in the mood the past week. bf and i made this together last weekend. we shopped for all the stuff together, bbq’d it together and ate it together. that’s what it’s all about, yeah?

i love eating eggs for breakfast. i’ve been making myself two soft-boiled eggs for breakfast for a few weeks now and it really works. i feel energized and satiated for hours just from that. it’s a good feeling and easy and cheap and quick to clean up.