i’m a model, you know what i mean?

okay well since my last blog post things have been happening I never did go to that show that I was worrying about and now there’s another one coming up this Saturday

I’m hoping for the best. at least this time it’s going to be in a situation that isn’t a meat market-y dance club type bar thing. this time it’s going to be outdoors at some kind of shopping mall event of some sort and it’ll be during the day, which is nice. –in Santa Rosa, California– so pretty much the Bay Area wine country and hopefully we’ll go have a nice meal and maybe do some wine tasting afterward, who knows? I have a pretty good feeling about it.

it’ll be nice to get out of town and just do something a little bit different. will be leaving at 6 a.m. on Saturday which is crazy but also good. I’m a morning person so it works for me.

It’s weird being forty-something! i feel so old! I want to feel younger but that requires me doing stuff about it and i feel too old to! Like, having energy!

This hot weather could go away, that would help. It drains me. also the area where I live is beginning to have too many people and traffic going anywhere is a nightmare, parking lots are a nightmare, lines in stores are a nightmare and it makes me always just want to go straight home after work because stopping anywhere is a major inconvenience.

I do the best I can.

so now I’m home from work sitting in my apartment and I really don’t want to go anywhere because traffic is hellacious right now and it will be for like the next three hours… my body is exhausted by the end of a school day of me standing up. some classes are worse than others because the kids, as soon as you sit down- they immediately get off task, so that means you have to spend the whole day just walking around the room

so I’ll probably just watch a couple episodes of The Waltons until my boyfriend gets off work and comes over to visit for a couple of hours.

all day and all night

It’s saturday, once again.
I wake up and it’s already time to surrender. Choices constantly present themselves. How will i spend the next 3.5 hours before heading over to watch one of bf’s bands rehearse for their show tomorrow!

I’m nervous because I am an introvert, so i normally would avoid being in social situations… They are never preferred for me.

The best way for me to get thru and around that is to be a documentarian. Take pics and maybe a couple vids. They usually rehearse for 3 hours. That’s a long frickin time. I’m considering going in my own car in case i feel the need to leave. Hate feeling stuck somewhere.

So, first i guess coffee is in order, right? And im gonna curl my hair this morning. Haven’t really done that in a while. Never have been able to locate my curlers, i’ve looked everywhere. So i’ll have to use the hot iron.

I am also invited to the gig tomorrow, about which my feelings are mixed, as well. I am truly not a party person. I’ve tried lying to myself about being one, but i am a loner. Crowds? Not my thing. Especially not this kind of crowd. Sigh.

But WOOHOO! I’m excited!!
😆 If by excitement you mean nervous, apprehensive dread. 😯 If it were a concert-in-the-park, i’d be less apprehensive. This place is more like a weird sort of bar where kids are somehow allowed because it pretends to be a restaurant kinda thing. To me it’s a thinly veiled meat market for middle-aged swingers. 😀

Bf’s band is the opening act, and after the probably three hours of that, he says he is interested in sticking around to check out the main act. Ughhhh. Torture for me. I’m sorry to be negative but it’s stuff like this that makes me question the prospect for longevity in our pairing. I want to be supportive… But… I literally have zero interest in the venue, the people there or the main act whatsoever. It wont be like a date, believe me. Uh-oh. Ha.


where does time go? i don’t know.

i don’t have time to do blog posts. well, i do, but i don’t. it’s really just not convenient. and my blogging is just complaining about blogging.

i’m trying to be more positive and less negative in my life.
look at the bright side.
i’m not dead, yet.
may as well make the most of things.

i definitely struggle against the negative thoughts, tho, that’s for sure. recently lost a good friend and people are also dropping like flies, too, it seems like.

this coming weekend could be really good if i am able to keep it together.
it is what it is, tho, even tho i hate that saying.
i can either hack it, or i can’t.
why put so much pressure on myself?
how about i just let myself be a loser, failure?

i’m brave tho because despite my negative feelings and thoughts, i keep going. i don’t give up. and even tho lots of stuff i do to try to solve my problems seems to end up not solving anything or leading anywhere except to more problems…. i can’t give up. it’s just not an option.

so lately i have been watching dvds of the dalai lama giving teachings because i need the help, big time. and it does help.

car troubles, man troubles, getting old troubles… family troubles. all of the troubles. i am no expert at fixing them. maybe an expert at making them, tho.

and tomorrow is friday already?

good thing i am not the one in charge of this universe.
boy, i sure hope not, anyway!

i’ve been back to continuing to try to make healthy choices. gotta take care of myself. even when i am trying hard, it seems like i am not trying at all because the results are not so great. i blame fukushima.

i still have another blog post waiting in the queueueueueueu.

run errands with me

Happy hump-day, y’alls! How hangs it? Good? Glad to hear. pull up a chair and have a cup of hot ginger honey lemon tea with cinnamon. that’s what I’m having. it’s a great way to start the day.

I have not seen my boyfriend since Saturday. I’m told I should say ‘significant other’ because ‘boyfriend’ sounds temporary and flighty; and, ‘significant other’ sounds more mature and stable and long-term. but boyfriend is the word that I’m used to using so it feels kind of contrived to say “SO”. but in a lot of ways the internet and blogging and social media are all quite contrived, aren’t they? So why not roll with it, eh?

anyway, it was mostly just circumstances. I was irritated or mad at him on Saturday evening. frequently when I get mad at him it’s due to my own misunderstanding of things, seriously.

right now it’s easy for me to say that because I’m not mad right now

but its true for myself when I look back and realize the thing that I was mad about I was usually just confused or seeing things in a weird way and later if I give it time it makes more sense and then it’s like: oh, well there was really no reason for me to be upset. poor guy right? Having to deal with a female and her emotions being all over the place.

but then sunday was a day of chores, monday was work and then being tired afterwards, Tuesday he had rehearsal… so, here we are today and he is going to come over after work. Wee! but honestly it’s been good for both of us. we gotta get a little bit of perspective sometimes. and it’s nice to get those ‘I miss you’ texts.

so now I have an appointment for physical therapy on September 1st at 6:45 a.m. OMG
and then I also have a dentist appointment the next week and this coming week I have another doctor appointment because I need an ultrasound for my breasts because they said that my breast tissue is very dense which means that a mammogram is not really going to be 100% accurate. so they said that my mammogram was fine like no cancer was seen however my dense breast tissue means the results are not completely reliable.

when I was growing up my mom always used to say, “it’s another ding-dong day” and I used to take that to mean like, “same old shit, different day”… yep, here we are again, right? I should do something interesting but I probably won’t, because I’m a ding dong.

I’m going through another crisis of wanting to get rid of my sofa. I just don’t want it. it’s not comfortable, it’s falling apart and it’s just something I need to get rid of, but it’s not easy to get rid of because first of all how am I going to get it out of my apartment and down the stairs? and then what?
I’m not going to try to do it by myself because I’ll just hurt my back and that is not wise. suffer now I’m stuck with it and it’s causing my life to have blocked Chi.


yeah I think today I should really work on clearing clutter from my apartment and cleaning it up cuz its just too chaotic right now and I’m sick of it. It always seems like I’m getting somewhere but then boom it’s a huge mess again, like, it’s so hard to keep it all up. does life ever seem overwhelming to you? Like there’s just too much stuff to consider and think about and be responsible for? Seriously.


I just spent at least an hour doing random cleaning– some dusting, putting things where they belong, throwing things away, some bleaching in the bathroom… every little bit helps and I’m going to keep on going all day as much as possible. the focus of this day is going to be cleaning my apartment! what can be wrong with that? nothing.

I keep thinking that I should go get some containers to put things in to keep things more organized and I do want to do that but I am NOT going to do it soon because it’s just an excuse to not have to do the cleaning right now and that’s going to come first. sorry about the run on sentences but I use voice to text on my phone to blog and going back through and punctuating everything is really a pain in the ass and it is not easy to take speech and then make it grammatically correct. bah! I’m such a lazy butt, right?

well folks, I hope you’ve enjoyed this update on my progress and I hope that this blog post has helped me to sort a few things out so that I can continue to sort things out in my life because I just read this quote and it says, “keeping your personal life together is not an optional indulgence but an absolute necessity when it comes to being of use to others in the world” joan halifax, zen buddhist priest

everyone must stand alone

I loaded all the pictures for this blog post 5 days ago and only now am I getting around to adding some words.

these photos are from last weekend not this most recent one but a week ago when my SO and I went to denios Swap Meet & flea market.

it was a warm day we’ve been having triple-digit weather, on the weekends especially, but yesterday and today 102+

being on vacation is making me feel fat. my weight hasn’t actually changed for many many years but the makeup of my body changes and lately, I have too much fat on my midsection. this is what happens when you’re 42 years old– it’s really hard to keep the metabolism up. especially when you’re sitting around a lot during the day and eating is sort of like entertainment.

these aren’t excuses… it’s just the way life is. my life anyway. my life– my blog: my self expression, my opinions.

very few of the people who read this blog (which is also very small number) even have WordPress accounts… so they can’t sign in to leave a comment here.

you can interact with me on Twitter or Instagram or ello.
follow the links on the sidebar to my Twitter account or my Instagram account.

I dislike facebook very much. I just don’t like the general feeling of it & it’s a lot of crud. it’s kind of like the worst pulp fiction or National Enquirer. I just don’t like the feelings that it engenders and the thoughts that it provokes, but I still look at it because rummaging through all of the riff-raff every once in awhile you see something interesting. I just really try to limit my time and exposure there.

ello is my favorite because there’s a lot of really good quality stuff on there that’s interesting and unique and personal and expands my horizons.

for most of my life, I have suffered from long-term low-level dysthymia. translation: I’m emo.
sometimes all that really feels like is it feels like something’s not right but you can’t figure out what it is. so it makes it hard for me to make decisions, to take actions; and, I spend a lot of time thinking and overthinking things instead of doing stuff.

I’m almost finished reading Wicked. I probably have about 25 pages left til I reach the end of the book. I have other books waiting in line to be read.

last week I went through a terrible spell of back pain that must have been a pinched nerve or some kind of spasm but I could barely even move or walk for 24 to 48 hours pretty much. in my mind I started to wonder if this was just going to be the way it was forever and then I figured my tolerance for pain would increase and perhaps it would be the new normal but it’s better now, thank goodness, because that was awful.

when I went to the doctor and we looked over my xrays she was saying that typically they recommend surgery when the degree of curvature of the spine is as high as mine and it’s hard for me to comprehend having surgery on my spine, so I think the next step is going to be physical therapy first.

so here we are, it’s another Monday. Time marches on. what does it all mean?

the repetition of life is really weird to me. It’s like that movie Groundhog’s Day, you know?

Oh well. I’m probably just an idiot. Haha. What’s a girl to do?

Being a grown up is hard, kids. it ain’t no cake walk, let me tell you.

dem apples

it’s a good thing I have a doctor appointment to look at my back xrays tomorrow, because yesterday and today I have had the worst back pain I’ve ever had in my life! so I really would like to figure out some kind of a solution to this problem. even sitting down or lying down are uncomfortable and I’ve been trying to find a position where I can rest and relax without feeling pain. I’ll find one and it works for a while but then it stops working and the moving around to trying to find new position seems to just make it all worse so I’m left with just having to be still. I’m sure it’s a wonderful character building life lesson for me but in the meantime it really sucks.

Friday we went to the flea market and that was fun I want to go back. it had been over a year since I’ve gone. it only cost 3 dollars to park and then you can go in to a world of wonder to look around at everything that’s there! I’ll be doing a post on that tomorrow.

probably this photo is capturing the exact moment when I injured my back.
so then all day yesterday I was in really bad pain and I was in denial about it so I was having an emotional reaction to the pain, one of sadness and anger and frustration. it’s not fun to have a large portion of your free will taken away.

I had been planning on helping my boyfriend set up his karaoke equipment because he’s going to try to sell it and he wants to have it ready to be demo-ed to prospective purchasers but I started to try to help him and I just couldn’t do it at all. I couldn’t even sit up to watch or just sit in there while he was setting it up in the garage– so, I had to go lie down and watch a movie and he made dinner. we were going to barbecue and he had to do that by himself. then I went to go eat with him and I could only take two bites and the discomfort was so much that I just had to go lie back down. very frustrating and I was a bit of a big baby making a crying scene about it he tried to be nice and he got me some Advil and watched the movie with me for a little while. I just didn’t like what was happening and I guess I ended up feeling frustrated towards him so then I went home even though I really didn’t want to get up and go drive somewhere.

Anyway, moving on… I just now got done watching a movie and it was pretty stupid. called Area 51, a recent release. it’s basically the same thing as a lot of movies that have come out recently where they make it seem like its filmed with a cell phone or some kind of handheld recorder and they make it seem like it’s really happening when it’s obviously actors and it’s supposed to be scary but nothing scary really happens, it’s all off-camera whatever it is. #lame #playedout

a funny thing about Pain is that your pain threshold increases, and if you have chronic pain, it’s like, if someone were to suddenly experience the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis they would probably be immobilized. and the pain that’s immobilizing me now, I could get used to and live with probably, if it continued on for several days. Gnome sayin’?

anyway I feel like sometimes pain is teaching us a life lesson and it’s a manifestation physically of what we might be going through in our psyche. at this point I think it has a lot to do with teaching me about how much control I actually have over things/situations/other people in my life. I mean it really brings it home when you cannot escape the pain that you’re experiencing, when there’s nothing at all that you can do to get rid of it other than to be still and breathe. I tried stretching and I think I did so many different stretches that I actually overexerted my muscles.

it’s hard on your ego too because if you were planning on having some fun and you don’t get to have that fun and like lets say everyone else is out there having fun and all you’re allowed to do is sit on the couch or a bed and read or watch a movie and other people are out doing the fun things and how can you get mad about that? all you can do is surrender to the situation.

so this applies to other people, their opinions, the things they say about you, the choices they make. you really can’t control it and if you try really hard to control it, it’s just going to backfire on you. so the best thing to do is to let it go and accept reality, accept things as they are.

alright folks this about wraps up today’s session of blogging with me. I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay. be sure to check in next time for the new installment: my visit to the flea market.


I probably only have about a week, maybe two, left of my summer vacation. so, I guess no more of this lollygagging about. 😢

that’s okay though, I could use a little bit more discipline in my life right now. there’ve been too many days over the past few weeks where I spend most of it lying around thinking of things that I could do and then thinking of the reasons why I shouldn’t bother. in that sense I’m sort of conservative because I try to avoid driving anywhere, spending money, using gas, buying things. all that stuff doesn’t need to happen on a daily basis.

wow. I was right in the middle of doing this blog post and was interrupted by a complete blast from the past! that can really throw you for a loop, can’t it? an old boyfriend texted me a photo that his neighbor sent to him from when I was 25 years old. I look much younger than that because I’ve always looked younger than I am and I never liked it. now I would like it, of course, but back then I didn’t like it.

can you believe tomorrow is Thursday already? Its just crazy how fast life goes by. it really is.

I already mostly talked about what was going on in these photos in my last blog post. scroll down if you wanna see it. it’s just because I’m always a little bit behind on processing my photos.

do people and their drama just astound you? I really cannot believe the games that people play and the weird manipulations that go on behind the scenes. you wouldn’t believe half of it if I told you with regard to some of the people that I know and what kind of people they present themselves to be and then what they really are and what they’ve really done… but it’s just weird because it seems like in this world the people who succeed and get ahead are the greedy ones and the ones who are very selfish and are always just looking out for themselves. that’s what it takes to appear as though you’re winning because people who don’t value winning don’t strive to win because it’s meaningless to them. the realization that everything is fine the way it is and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone causes you to not really be an overachiever. I’ve always had the hamlet syndrome, the underachiever thing. it doesn’t really bother me.

what I mean to say is that people who do the right thing don’t always appear as though they have done the right thing because it may seem as though they did not succeed or ‘win’ in certain situations; but, that doesn’t make them wrong or a failure. Some people are just better at presenting themselves as happy and successful.

my aspiration is to be a good person by being honest, by not using other people, by giving to others whenever I’m able to do so and taking care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability. I don’t feel like I’m in this world to be out for myself as far as what can I get, how much can I get? I just want to be able to have the bare minimum to survive and enough that I can give to the people who love me and the people that I love, even if it’s just being able to give to them some of my time and attention. any extras that come to me are very much appreciated and enjoyed. but more than anything I really just like to be able to relax in nature and look at the trees on the water and relax my body and breathe and just have time to think and to take care of basic things like cleaning and cooking and doing laundry.

I would like to be able to see more of the world more than anything else that I could possess I would like to give my stuff away and go out and travel the world. that’s what I’ve always wanted to do.