where does time go? i don’t know.

100_1961
i don’t have time to do blog posts. well, i do, but i don’t. it’s really just not convenient. and my blogging is just complaining about blogging.

100_1965
i’m trying to be more positive and less negative in my life.
look at the bright side.
i’m not dead, yet.
may as well make the most of things.

100_1964
i definitely struggle against the negative thoughts, tho, that’s for sure. recently lost a good friend and people are also dropping like flies, too, it seems like.

100_1973
this coming weekend could be really good if i am able to keep it together.
it is what it is, tho, even tho i hate that saying.
i can either hack it, or i can’t.
why put so much pressure on myself?
how about i just let myself be a loser, failure?

100_1977
i’m brave tho because despite my negative feelings and thoughts, i keep going. i don’t give up. and even tho lots of stuff i do to try to solve my problems seems to end up not solving anything or leading anywhere except to more problems…. i can’t give up. it’s just not an option.

100_1985
so lately i have been watching dvds of the dalai lama giving teachings because i need the help, big time. and it does help.

100_1989
car troubles, man troubles, getting old troubles… family troubles. all of the troubles. i am no expert at fixing them. maybe an expert at making them, tho.

100_1991
and tomorrow is friday already?

100_1993
good thing i am not the one in charge of this universe.
boy, i sure hope not, anyway!

100_2023
i’ve been back to continuing to try to make healthy choices. gotta take care of myself. even when i am trying hard, it seems like i am not trying at all because the results are not so great. i blame fukushima.

100_2056
i still have another blog post waiting in the queueueueueueu.

run errands with me

100_1886
Happy hump-day, y’alls! How hangs it? Good? Glad to hear. pull up a chair and have a cup of hot ginger honey lemon tea with cinnamon. that’s what I’m having. it’s a great way to start the day.

100_1888
I have not seen my boyfriend since Saturday. I’m told I should say ‘significant other’ because ‘boyfriend’ sounds temporary and flighty; and, ‘significant other’ sounds more mature and stable and long-term. but boyfriend is the word that I’m used to using so it feels kind of contrived to say “SO”. but in a lot of ways the internet and blogging and social media are all quite contrived, aren’t they? So why not roll with it, eh?

100_1889
anyway, it was mostly just circumstances. I was irritated or mad at him on Saturday evening. frequently when I get mad at him it’s due to my own misunderstanding of things, seriously.

right now it’s easy for me to say that because I’m not mad right now

but its true for myself when I look back and realize the thing that I was mad about I was usually just confused or seeing things in a weird way and later if I give it time it makes more sense and then it’s like: oh, well there was really no reason for me to be upset. poor guy right? Having to deal with a female and her emotions being all over the place.

100_1903
but then sunday was a day of chores, monday was work and then being tired afterwards, Tuesday he had rehearsal… so, here we are today and he is going to come over after work. Wee! but honestly it’s been good for both of us. we gotta get a little bit of perspective sometimes. and it’s nice to get those ‘I miss you’ texts.

100_1892
so now I have an appointment for physical therapy on September 1st at 6:45 a.m. OMG
and then I also have a dentist appointment the next week and this coming week I have another doctor appointment because I need an ultrasound for my breasts because they said that my breast tissue is very dense which means that a mammogram is not really going to be 100% accurate. so they said that my mammogram was fine like no cancer was seen however my dense breast tissue means the results are not completely reliable.

100_1895
when I was growing up my mom always used to say, “it’s another ding-dong day” and I used to take that to mean like, “same old shit, different day”… yep, here we are again, right? I should do something interesting but I probably won’t, because I’m a ding dong.

100_1900
I’m going through another crisis of wanting to get rid of my sofa. I just don’t want it. it’s not comfortable, it’s falling apart and it’s just something I need to get rid of, but it’s not easy to get rid of because first of all how am I going to get it out of my apartment and down the stairs? and then what?
I’m not going to try to do it by myself because I’ll just hurt my back and that is not wise. suffer now I’m stuck with it and it’s causing my life to have blocked Chi.

100_1899

100_1918
yeah I think today I should really work on clearing clutter from my apartment and cleaning it up cuz its just too chaotic right now and I’m sick of it. It always seems like I’m getting somewhere but then boom it’s a huge mess again, like, it’s so hard to keep it all up. does life ever seem overwhelming to you? Like there’s just too much stuff to consider and think about and be responsible for? Seriously.

100_1915

100_1953
I just spent at least an hour doing random cleaning– some dusting, putting things where they belong, throwing things away, some bleaching in the bathroom… every little bit helps and I’m going to keep on going all day as much as possible. the focus of this day is going to be cleaning my apartment! what can be wrong with that? nothing.

collage
I keep thinking that I should go get some containers to put things in to keep things more organized and I do want to do that but I am NOT going to do it soon because it’s just an excuse to not have to do the cleaning right now and that’s going to come first. sorry about the run on sentences but I use voice to text on my phone to blog and going back through and punctuating everything is really a pain in the ass and it is not easy to take speech and then make it grammatically correct. bah! I’m such a lazy butt, right?

100_1938
well folks, I hope you’ve enjoyed this update on my progress and I hope that this blog post has helped me to sort a few things out so that I can continue to sort things out in my life because I just read this quote and it says, “keeping your personal life together is not an optional indulgence but an absolute necessity when it comes to being of use to others in the world” joan halifax, zen buddhist priest

everyone must stand alone

100_1871
I loaded all the pictures for this blog post 5 days ago and only now am I getting around to adding some words.

these photos are from last weekend not this most recent one but a week ago when my SO and I went to denios Swap Meet & flea market.

100_1862
it was a warm day we’ve been having triple-digit weather, on the weekends especially, but yesterday and today 102+

100_1872
being on vacation is making me feel fat. my weight hasn’t actually changed for many many years but the makeup of my body changes and lately, I have too much fat on my midsection. this is what happens when you’re 42 years old– it’s really hard to keep the metabolism up. especially when you’re sitting around a lot during the day and eating is sort of like entertainment.

these aren’t excuses… it’s just the way life is. my life anyway. my life– my blog: my self expression, my opinions.

very few of the people who read this blog (which is also very small number) even have WordPress accounts… so they can’t sign in to leave a comment here.

you can interact with me on Twitter or Instagram or ello.
follow the links on the sidebar to my Twitter account or my Instagram account.

100_1881
I dislike facebook very much. I just don’t like the general feeling of it & it’s a lot of crud. it’s kind of like the worst pulp fiction or National Enquirer. I just don’t like the feelings that it engenders and the thoughts that it provokes, but I still look at it because rummaging through all of the riff-raff every once in awhile you see something interesting. I just really try to limit my time and exposure there.

100_1877
ello is my favorite because there’s a lot of really good quality stuff on there that’s interesting and unique and personal and expands my horizons.

100_1879
for most of my life, I have suffered from long-term low-level dysthymia. translation: I’m emo.
sometimes all that really feels like is it feels like something’s not right but you can’t figure out what it is. so it makes it hard for me to make decisions, to take actions; and, I spend a lot of time thinking and overthinking things instead of doing stuff.

100_1853
I’m almost finished reading Wicked. I probably have about 25 pages left til I reach the end of the book. I have other books waiting in line to be read.

100_1856100_1858
last week I went through a terrible spell of back pain that must have been a pinched nerve or some kind of spasm but I could barely even move or walk for 24 to 48 hours pretty much. in my mind I started to wonder if this was just going to be the way it was forever and then I figured my tolerance for pain would increase and perhaps it would be the new normal but it’s better now, thank goodness, because that was awful.

when I went to the doctor and we looked over my xrays she was saying that typically they recommend surgery when the degree of curvature of the spine is as high as mine and it’s hard for me to comprehend having surgery on my spine, so I think the next step is going to be physical therapy first.

100_1874
so here we are, it’s another Monday. Time marches on. what does it all mean?

the repetition of life is really weird to me. It’s like that movie Groundhog’s Day, you know?

100_1868
Oh well. I’m probably just an idiot. Haha. What’s a girl to do?

100_1861
Being a grown up is hard, kids. it ain’t no cake walk, let me tell you.

dem apples

100_1814
it’s a good thing I have a doctor appointment to look at my back xrays tomorrow, because yesterday and today I have had the worst back pain I’ve ever had in my life! so I really would like to figure out some kind of a solution to this problem. even sitting down or lying down are uncomfortable and I’ve been trying to find a position where I can rest and relax without feeling pain. I’ll find one and it works for a while but then it stops working and the moving around to trying to find new position seems to just make it all worse so I’m left with just having to be still. I’m sure it’s a wonderful character building life lesson for me but in the meantime it really sucks.

100_1809
Friday we went to the flea market and that was fun I want to go back. it had been over a year since I’ve gone. it only cost 3 dollars to park and then you can go in to a world of wonder to look around at everything that’s there! I’ll be doing a post on that tomorrow.

100_1817
probably this photo is capturing the exact moment when I injured my back.
so then all day yesterday I was in really bad pain and I was in denial about it so I was having an emotional reaction to the pain, one of sadness and anger and frustration. it’s not fun to have a large portion of your free will taken away.

100_1818
I had been planning on helping my boyfriend set up his karaoke equipment because he’s going to try to sell it and he wants to have it ready to be demo-ed to prospective purchasers but I started to try to help him and I just couldn’t do it at all. I couldn’t even sit up to watch or just sit in there while he was setting it up in the garage– so, I had to go lie down and watch a movie and he made dinner. we were going to barbecue and he had to do that by himself. then I went to go eat with him and I could only take two bites and the discomfort was so much that I just had to go lie back down. very frustrating and I was a bit of a big baby making a crying scene about it he tried to be nice and he got me some Advil and watched the movie with me for a little while. I just didn’t like what was happening and I guess I ended up feeling frustrated towards him so then I went home even though I really didn’t want to get up and go drive somewhere.

egg
Anyway, moving on… I just now got done watching a movie and it was pretty stupid. called Area 51, a recent release. it’s basically the same thing as a lot of movies that have come out recently where they make it seem like its filmed with a cell phone or some kind of handheld recorder and they make it seem like it’s really happening when it’s obviously actors and it’s supposed to be scary but nothing scary really happens, it’s all off-camera whatever it is. #lame #playedout

100_1821
a funny thing about Pain is that your pain threshold increases, and if you have chronic pain, it’s like, if someone were to suddenly experience the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis they would probably be immobilized. and the pain that’s immobilizing me now, I could get used to and live with probably, if it continued on for several days. Gnome sayin’?

100_1828
anyway I feel like sometimes pain is teaching us a life lesson and it’s a manifestation physically of what we might be going through in our psyche. at this point I think it has a lot to do with teaching me about how much control I actually have over things/situations/other people in my life. I mean it really brings it home when you cannot escape the pain that you’re experiencing, when there’s nothing at all that you can do to get rid of it other than to be still and breathe. I tried stretching and I think I did so many different stretches that I actually overexerted my muscles.

100_1829
it’s hard on your ego too because if you were planning on having some fun and you don’t get to have that fun and like lets say everyone else is out there having fun and all you’re allowed to do is sit on the couch or a bed and read or watch a movie and other people are out doing the fun things and how can you get mad about that? all you can do is surrender to the situation.

100_1832100_1833
so this applies to other people, their opinions, the things they say about you, the choices they make. you really can’t control it and if you try really hard to control it, it’s just going to backfire on you. so the best thing to do is to let it go and accept reality, accept things as they are.

100_1852
alright folks this about wraps up today’s session of blogging with me. I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay. be sure to check in next time for the new installment: my visit to the flea market.

comical

100_1743
I probably only have about a week, maybe two, left of my summer vacation. so, I guess no more of this lollygagging about. 😢

100_1756
that’s okay though, I could use a little bit more discipline in my life right now. there’ve been too many days over the past few weeks where I spend most of it lying around thinking of things that I could do and then thinking of the reasons why I shouldn’t bother. in that sense I’m sort of conservative because I try to avoid driving anywhere, spending money, using gas, buying things. all that stuff doesn’t need to happen on a daily basis.

100_1765
wow. I was right in the middle of doing this blog post and was interrupted by a complete blast from the past! that can really throw you for a loop, can’t it? an old boyfriend texted me a photo that his neighbor sent to him from when I was 25 years old. I look much younger than that because I’ve always looked younger than I am and I never liked it. now I would like it, of course, but back then I didn’t like it.

100_1771
can you believe tomorrow is Thursday already? Its just crazy how fast life goes by. it really is.

100_1769
I already mostly talked about what was going on in these photos in my last blog post. scroll down if you wanna see it. it’s just because I’m always a little bit behind on processing my photos.

100_1775
do people and their drama just astound you? I really cannot believe the games that people play and the weird manipulations that go on behind the scenes. you wouldn’t believe half of it if I told you with regard to some of the people that I know and what kind of people they present themselves to be and then what they really are and what they’ve really done… but it’s just weird because it seems like in this world the people who succeed and get ahead are the greedy ones and the ones who are very selfish and are always just looking out for themselves. that’s what it takes to appear as though you’re winning because people who don’t value winning don’t strive to win because it’s meaningless to them. the realization that everything is fine the way it is and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone causes you to not really be an overachiever. I’ve always had the hamlet syndrome, the underachiever thing. it doesn’t really bother me.

collage
what I mean to say is that people who do the right thing don’t always appear as though they have done the right thing because it may seem as though they did not succeed or ‘win’ in certain situations; but, that doesn’t make them wrong or a failure. Some people are just better at presenting themselves as happy and successful.

ello-optimized-440a1df4
my aspiration is to be a good person by being honest, by not using other people, by giving to others whenever I’m able to do so and taking care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability. I don’t feel like I’m in this world to be out for myself as far as what can I get, how much can I get? I just want to be able to have the bare minimum to survive and enough that I can give to the people who love me and the people that I love, even if it’s just being able to give to them some of my time and attention. any extras that come to me are very much appreciated and enjoyed. but more than anything I really just like to be able to relax in nature and look at the trees on the water and relax my body and breathe and just have time to think and to take care of basic things like cleaning and cooking and doing laundry.

ello-optimized-aae484c5
I would like to be able to see more of the world more than anything else that I could possess I would like to give my stuff away and go out and travel the world. that’s what I’ve always wanted to do.

lets go off-grid

100_1712
Hello friends.

what to say what to say?there’s always so much going on in my brain it’s actually hard to capture in the moment and I prefer to do that rather than write an outline and sketch out my ideas before I do a blog post. maybe that’s not how you’re supposed to write but it’s what I want to do and that’s what I do. I do what I want.

100_1716
so this last weekend was nice… went on our floaties to the river. that was strange. we had to walk a really long way. I don’t know why I chose to go there; but, that’s what we did. could have just gone to a place a lot closer to where I live but this one seemed like it would be more private? it was just strange, that’s all I have to say; but, it was still fun though.

100_1709
I don’t know if you’ve ever had the feeling, I’ve always had it, where you take pictures of yourself thinking you look good and then you look at the pictures and you’re like horrified and don’t know what to do? I know it’s actually a sort of 0CD thing. I’ve heard about people who all they do all day long is just take selfies trying to find the perfect one and it never ever is the perfect one..

100_1724
you know, it’s a bit of a sickness. I have a lot of OCD traits or just obsessive-compulsions. I can’t even tell you about all of them my life is just a tapestry of compulsions and obsessions sort of woven together but it’s Who I am and it’s what makes me me: my personality, my individual consciousness… even though, really, we’re all very similar, we are also unique in our own ways.

20150730_111929
omg someone outside is using a leaf blower I hate those things almost more than anything else on earth next to mosquitoes. they are so completely useless and pointless I hate them. like, get a rake, people.

100_1722
since I’m ranting I should tell you about this experience that started out the day yesterday or even really the evening before it. all about miscommunication misunderstanding sometimes you don’t know if people do it deliberately or or miscommunicate and then backtrack the next day. sometimes you just don’t know. but I’ve learned to mostly just let it go because I think sometimes people are actually seeking attention when they do stuff like this and they want you to get upset and it’s like I don’t have time to get upset I’m trying to avoid getting upset in my life as much as possible. it’s for my health. thank you.

100_1720
so anyway last minute thing I’m supposed to get together with my mom and my daughter so we can go school clothes shopping. my daughter’s going to be in 4th grade which is awesome so I decided my boyfriend and I would meet them for lunch and then he would leave and we would go do our shopping… so I planned this with her father and I talked to my mom and we get to the restaurant and my daughters not there and I’m like where is my daughter? and my mom says oh she spent the night at someone’s house and she’s not ready yet but she’ll be ready later… so we’re like, okay, well.. I guess we’ll just have lunch now. so we decided to go in, even though the place is really my daughter’s favorite restaurant, none of ours so it was kind of weird and awkward and we’re sitting there….

100_1719
my boyfriend didn’t know if he wanted to order a drink and we all just basically he and I both ordered salads and my mom ordered a burger and we wait and wait and we’re making small talk and chatting and waiting and basically it came down to our waitress disappeared and our food never came and it was ridiculous we were like this isn’t even really what we want to do we don’t even want to stay here so we left

100_1718
for one thing the music was so loud that you can’t even hear yourself think. seriously, it’s like, really? when I go to a restaurant to eat food I would like to relax & feel calm & serene & enjoy some nice conversation– which is absolutely impossible! in an environment like that. (!!!) it seems like they want to actually prevent people from interacting with one another and having a nice conversation over a pleasant meal where you can actually digest your food. 😯

100_1726
my boyfriend and I both want to get out of this area because too many people too many cars everywhere you go everything is just on a large scale and the people everywhere in this hyper frenzied pace of living and it’s really just not my style, his either. it’s time to go off grid, man.

100_1729
I guess I’m sort of rambling meandering going off topic but basically then my mom and I we just decided to leave and so my boyfriend went home and my mom and I went and got my daughter and we were all starving at this point so we went to a hamburger place and it was absolutely amazing and very very delicious and I felt so much better but even at that hamburger place the music is blaring so loud that you seriously cannot relax it is not my thing I like music too not that I don’t like music but having it so loud that you have to yell and keep asking what to the person that you’re talking to is ridiculous

100_1730
you know and its like, “why can’t life just be better than this?” I don’t know. it’s the area that we’re in that sucks. I don’t want to be here but I have to so anyway… I digress. I try to focus on staying grateful.

100_1732
next we are going to take my daughter to get some things for school. some shoes, a backpack, a few shirts, a pair of pants. so we’re wandering around the mall we started out at the wrong end of the mall cuz we wanted to go to Macys but we went in on the side that is only mens and home store and the children and women’s is on the complete opposite end of the mall

100_1736
your maneuvering escalators, everything is on the third floor, cant figure out which side is up which side is down? where are the cash registers? I’m just not a mall person and once again every single store the music is so loud it’s so obtrusive and the people are in this sort of frenzy. the workers come at you in a very accosting way. it’s like, I just want to relax, people! I just need to move to some mountain town where there’s only one store there’s never a line and people can just walk everywhere.

100_1740
and another thing I will mention is I tried on some perfume at Macy’s and it’s a beautiful perfume that I like but one of the things I’ve noticed about these Modern perfumes (yes I’m an old woman) they are so fake smelling like it’s obviously some sort of chemically originated weird imitation pheromone thing. who knows what mind control shit it’s doing to you. and I’m just not down for that. I have a ton of perfume at my house that I can use and it’s all natural stuff so. That commercial stuff is very seductive and tempting, i just don’t buy into it. some kind of weird Illuminati BS

100_1661
hi there do you ever just not check your mail because you don’t want to? mine is, I have to walk over to get it– its not like, on my way to get going inside of my house. so sometimes I just don’t check my snqil mail for, like, a week and sometimes I regret that because there will be urgent things in my mailbox. it’s just Murphy’s Law though that if you check it everyday there’s going to be nothing in there but junk mail.

100_1663

oh yeah, so I found out the other day that my uncle died. he just died the other day. it was supposedly not expected but the circumstances do have a bit of drama to them. I’m not super sad about it although it did bring up some other unresolved grief I have from past losses that’s just the way grief works, I think. I don’t know how soon the funeral will be. probably in a couple days, I’m guessing. I think they said they’re going to cremate him. I’m not even sure if there’s going to be a service.

100_1665
this week the area weather is going to be in the triple digits- a hundred and five degrees. Ughzors. I probably won’t be going out a lot during the heat of the day. I could go swimming in the pool but I don’t know sometimes I just don’t feel the vibe for that. we’ll see.

100_1657
I’ve been going through a phase of watching Little House on the Prairie and remembering how I used to always really dislike Nellie but now I think she’s very interesting and I looked on Instagram and found a bunch of pictures of Nellie and then I followed the lady who played her and she followed me back on Instagram!! whoop whoop! sorry for the mass of the run on sentence but blogging on my phone that’s the way it goes.

100_1645
things went well at boyfriends nephews birthday party family get together his sister made kabobs and they were delicious and there was broccoli salad and pudding pie for dessert I ate way too much and was totally bloated and tired afterward

Continue reading