the bright side

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how’s it goin’?

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i am at the library. today was kinda like a boring day at work but boring/easy is better than not boring/demanding like some days can be. so i’ll take it.
my job is still pretty cool, all in all. nothing is ‘perfect’ tho, right? or is it? haha.

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this is a pic i would not normally desire to share because of my own insecurities about my age and appearance but i am trying to continue working on self-acceptance and not just totally deluding myself about how i look.
as well, i am trying to work on not deluding myself about anything, if i can help it. but sometimes, yeah, you do have to because part of life is having things not be exactly how you want or wish they would be.

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this picture is also pretty lame. but hey, that’s me… lame.
gotta own it, i guess… right?

look, i’m sorry if i am a jerk and i probably am sometimes… who isn’t? i’m no Mother Teresa.

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in other news, it seems like the relationship i’ve been wanting is more likely to continue. the guy i’ve got a ‘thing for’ seems to be coming around. he’s talking about things like this is gonna be long-term… making plans for camping trip this summer and traveling to germany in a few years or so. i’m starting to feel like it’s the real deal and that is great! normally, i’m extremely cynical and there is still that underlying tendency in me… but i’m working on that little doubting voice… saying, ‘hey, let’s see what happens, maybe just let it be and see?’ and yeah. it’s a good thing. maybe i can relax a bit. there will always be challenges but the main one is kind of dealt with and it is this: if it doesn’t work out, i will live and it won’t be the end of the world.

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he has a very positive attitude about everything, pretty much. maybe it’s a skill which is more developed in him than in me. i mean, i AM a survivor and have a strong will, that is for sure, but i was brought up by pessimists, so it’s a little bit ingrained… we see ourselves as realists, we pessimists….

life is life. impermanence is the main theme. this may very well be a simulated reality, a virtual reality we live in. can you be sure it’s not?

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i’m pretty sure he is a pretty cool dude, as far as my opinion of cool dudes, goes.
i do know one thing, which i think is pretty important in a relationship, is i get a little thrill when i think about him and remember when i first saw him and other times we have shared and when i think about seeing him again.

and i have weird fantasies about taking care of him when he gets old. haha. i’m strange, i know.

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he says he has noticed an improvement in my appearance. that’s nice. i’ve been just being more conscious about what i eat, mostly. trying to be moderate in my habits… trying to stay more focused on my body. it’s great. i go through phases.

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blah blah. bottom line right now is that life is work but we make sacrifices and we don’t spend a ton of time beating ourselves up because that doesn’t do any good.
my main goal would be to follow the buddhist concept of …. if you can’t help someone, at least don’t hurt them…. but as i said, i’m not perfect and sometimes i don’t realize everything and sometimes i am a jerk.

tree-huggers

Hello dear readers how have you been? How have you been enjoying the demise of human civilization? ;) Or have you been? What else can we do; am i right?

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I don’t know I mean I feel like I have a life…. I mean, it’s been going on for a while so its gotta be something. I do all the things that humans do eat sleep drink excrete… Procreate. postings on the Internet. What else is there? study, learn, read.. do art. Blog.

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Don’t even get me started with all the stupid internet crap that’s been going on as of late I don’t have time for it who does it’s really insane hope you’ve enjoyed the drama if you’ve been watching hashtag spectacle

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Gotta hit the hay, is all else I can say for now. Ttfn. Xo.

takes one to know one

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Hate to say it but this predestination movie with Ethan Hawke is ruined by the fact that really it’s only about that chick who is a man now and I don’t really like that it’s like part of that whole Androgeny agenda that Hollywood has. No thank you. I have better things to do. that’s so 1994.

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After this long weekend I’m pretty burnt out on social media right now so blogging is now my last resort.

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My apartment is cleaner than its been in months, All my food for this week’s lunches is ready to go. I’m starting to get ready for summer. Although it already feels like summer here in California it’s spring late spring weather.

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I could stand to do a load of laundry but everytime I go to the store I always forget to get cash back so I can have some quarters.

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Everything that happens is for the best ultimately you know it I know it we all know it that’s just the way it is and otherwise if its for the worst what are you going to do about it?

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Any time you attempt to make positive changes in your life I think that’s a good thing.

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The older I get the more I know who I am and maybe the less I Know Who I am but also the less it matters what you think about who I am. And if you let it bother you that I have an opinion about you I’m sorry…. I have as much all right to my opinion as you do to yours.

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I feel okay I feel good my life is fine I have hope for the future I have goals I have things I like and enjoy and I’m doing my best I hope the same for you

the idea of something

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I’ve been out of sorts. Perhaps I’m always out of sorts. It’s hard to say. It’s hard For me to admit that I have become probably very addicted to my Habits.. one of them is sleeping in my own bed and I really don’t sleep well when I’m not at home in my own bed no matter how much I wish or romanticize that I could. It kind of makes it difficult sometimes if you’re trying to have a relationship and you want to sleep with the other person but neither of you sleep so well and blah blah blah blah blah… It’s so weird when in the middle of the night you wake up and you just aren’t able to go back to sleep but if you try to read your eyes are just like burning and watering everywhere.

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this Valentine’s day I learned more about being true to myself and not staying in a relationship that isn’t working because I’m not happy and it doesn’t seem like the other person is happy either and no matter how much fun we had last summer it just isn’t carrying through…
I like him and am attracted to him But there are other factors and a lot of stuff that just doesn’t seem like it can get worked out sometimes it starts to feel like I just really can’t have relationships with other people.

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It can be difficult when you feel like you’ve shared a lot of intimacy with someone but kind of really… you didn’t? it’s kind of confusing actually. But whatever it is what it is right I’ve got to just keep on keepin on keep on being me and be true to myself that’s all I can do.
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Tried on this jacket, liked it, didn’t buy it. You know you can kind of make things look good if you stand a certain way in the mirror when you’re taking a picture but in real life like I have posture issues scoliosis kind of like a gut you know I’m 41 going through early menopause probably have thyroid issues I have no idea but sometimes you think I’ll get it and it’ll be motivation for me to get into better shape but I don’t know what so ever going to motivate me to do that I mean I’m in a lot of pain physically that’s the truth it’s true. Cute idea tho. Some people wear stuff even though they don’t have the body for it and you know I’m actually proud of those people I wish I could be that way but I tend to be uncomfortable if you know what I feel like something doesn’t fit right.

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What picture is this? Blogging by phone you kind of cant tell what you’re really doing. Oh, okay, its some of my Valentine’s booty. I can’t really complain about my Valentine’s Day because that’s exactly what I wanted and made it to be I could have gone to a wedding decided I didn’t want to go didn’t think it was going to be something I would have fun with for whatever reason I don’t know what my problem is you know so I didn’t go. I probably actually do have valid reasons for not going but at the same time I figure if I would have went if I were strong enough and bold enough I could have made it work but I just wasn’t down for it I guess. Wasn’t in the stars, so to speak.

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probably just that he and I are not truly romantically compatible. Maybe I’m not romantically compatible with anyone. Srsly. Or maybe its just too big of a haystack, these days.

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Tomorrow will be a good day, I’m sure of it. Today was good, even tho I was slightly grumpy.

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Tomorrow I will do dishes and clean out my fridge and boil some eggs and cook up some sort of quinoa mixture. Today, I bought carrots and a cuke.

I know you’re waiting…

IMG_20150210_100441You Want me to blog you’re just sitting there checking my blog all day you are right I only had one hit today.

I’m sitting here right now watching a Stephen Hawking documentary. Its talking about black holes maybe each one of us is a black hole, eh?

I think so many crazy thoughts deep thoughts whatever thoughts but I could never possibly record them all and in the end it’s all just chatter and don’t we all have enough chatter in our own minds let alone reading or listening to someone else’s child her but I don’t know maybe sometimes that can be distracting toO. As in distract you from your own mental insanity for a few minutes By getting a glimpse into someone else’s insanity.

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Human awareness with the aid of technology is advancing at an unsuperseded pace and we can’t even keep up with it ourselves our social relationships have all been changed when do you not see you someone staring into their cell phone if you go round and see people not staring into their cell phone you’ll think it’s weird. I’m just talking into my phone right now because it’s a lot easier and I don’t have a computer in my apartment and I have to go to the library to use a computer and that’s a pain in the ass cuz when I’m there I just can’t think and it’s too weird and I don’t know but yeah.

Cant really call that writing. Its talking.It’s just such a pain in the butt dealing with typos and autocorrect. Forget about it.

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b48b426d-8cd9-4085-ba18-fe37a7c7f4adMmm. Anyway I just involves a lot of sustained attention and concentration and like I have a DD so it’s really hard for me to stay focused on this crap on my phone you know what I mean?

But if I pretend like I’m having a phone conversation with someone that I would like to talk to you which pretty much doesn’t exist unless I could have my dad back but he’s not alive anymore…. Ok sorry that’s depressing but no really a lot of the people that I would want to talk to you are actually dead and maybe that’s cool like I could pretend like I’m talking to them and see what happens right?

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I don’t even know what pictures I have or haven’t posted and I don’t even know its like I can’t even really check because this is a total PITA. I seriously to spend all of my computer time reading about conspiracies pretty much.

All my life I was a big journaler I always wanted to write I have even like a perma callus on my knuckle because of it but now I just feel like it’s all mental masturbation

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Ok now my voice recorder on my phone is acting up and not wanting to say what I’m saying.

phone blogging

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Omg, hanging around with family 24/7 for days is a challenge, lemme tell ya. Not that it doesnt have its rewards. Thank goodness I figured out how to increase the size of my blog fotos on my fone. Small pics ruin.everything. size does matter in this particular instance.

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My goal is to own twenty knit hats. Then maybe my obsesh will have ended.

 

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One reason I get tired of being around people is that everyone is always vying for attn and never just sits quietly with their thoughts. Always having to have the last word on everything. Just chill people.

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But there are benefits, too. Looking forward to going back home and looking back over the fun parts.

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Plus add sleep deprivation to the mix. Woowee.
And blogging by phone is super glitchy so signing off, now.