omg look at this b.s.

I thought it might be fun to take a part-time job as a ‘sandwich artist’ at Subway for the rest of the summer… and maybe occasionally even after school starts back up.  But, for a minimum wage grunt job making sandwiches (i enjoy making sandwiches, btw… have done it before in multiple deli jobs) look at the ridiculous psychological profiling they put you through!?



well, this would certainly weed out people who don’t understand anything about having a job!!!!


Also, who tells the truth on these things! haha.

um, yeah, hi. will you hire me?  I never follow rules, never admit to making mistakes, am totally not trustworthy and barely do any work at work.  what kind of job can i get?


i just stand around and talk and say negative shit and basically hate everyone.  Will that work?  When can I start?  I hate working and it makes me miserable.  See you Monday?


Dude, this survey should be what they use to determine if you have a severe personality disorder and then they should put you on disability immediately. Right?


These questions make me feel like I don’t want to work at a sandwich shop after all!

I mean.  I know I can do the job and do it well, but I feel offended by these questions!

eat fresh!!


Tarot as counselor


I did this reading in the park by the library and while I was doing it, two motley characters approached me and were acting silly.  So, there is a possibility that this circumstance influenced my reading in some way.

Today’s reading starts with the Queen of Spades as significator.


The Near Future spot is occupied by the 4 of ♠ and Death (Reversed) which can indicate a period of much-needed rest is on the horizon.  Followed by the More Distant Future being 6 of ♦, which suggests some financial assistance might be headed my way.


Recent Past is 8 of ♦.  (The current atmosphere or event which sets the stage for the reading):


More Distant Past is 5 of ♠ (Reversed).  I guess if you’re gonna have a 5 in your reading, the distant past is a good place for it.  Of course, this one is reversed, so that complicates things a little.

It isn’t a ‘good’ card.  More like a reprimand but maybe it is in the past and that means I am learning from it.  “a difficult opponent”

The Underlying Theme or Root (subconscious undercurrent) of this situation is A of ♠.  Not sure what this indicates.  Swift action?  Focus, Clarity.


How I view myself is K of ♠.


I can see that.

Hopes and Fears 3 of ♠  Will my pain help me grow in character or to wither away?

Sky (what hangs over the reading) is 10 of ♠ and Judgement.



Heavy stuff, eh?  Seems like I have felt defeated.  Yeah.  Blah.


The Universe is bringing in a flow of energy represented by 7 of ♥ …. bridging the gap between conditional and unconditional love.  Learning how to walk the talk of spirituality and unconditional love.

A person or group which has an important influence. 7 of Diamonds and The Sun



omg, this has taken me an hour and thirty minutes so far! yeeeeesh.

outcome cards:

6 ♠  leaving worries behind, calm after the storm.

10♦  a choice between security and/or risk. inheritance. transference of wealth

9♠  a struggle to make sense of events. Wake up!

This reading seems very serious.  Well, I use the tarot to help me and sometimes they present challenges for me, which is good.  It helps me take a good look at my situation, evaluate it and make choices to improve.  This one was a harsh one!!!!

what matters?


Rest assured, if someone feels the need to tell you that what you think/feel/say doesn’t matter…. they are trying to diminish you because they feel threatened by you for some reason.

Maybe they feel like they don’t understand you or can’t relate with what you are saying, so their first response is to scoff and say it doesn’t matter.  Some people go through life expressing a “Nothing Matters!” attitude.  I stay away from those people.  They have ulterior motives.  They want to make you feel ‘less than’ because they feel less than.


this photo is from a couple of months ago.  Today, I washed that swimsuit and then donated it to Goodwill.  I’ve had it for 5 years or so and I am tired of it.

I have been donating about 13 clothing items every time I do laundry.  I am overwhelmed by my clothing collection.  I get rid of items which I have worn so many times that I really would rather not ever see them again.  Things which have specific memories of which I am ready to let go.  All still in perfectly fine condition.


this, too, is an old photo and I got rid of those shorts today, as well.  They are fine, just not really anything special.  They make me feel boring.  Not particularly flattering.  Not necessarily UN-flattering, either.  Just meh. Why feel that way when wearing clothes?  We should aim for more than “meh”.


this is the sub-notes from a class I subbed in May, I think.  I feel like substitute teaching suits me.  I like the hours.  I like that I make my own schedule (and, yes, I am able to work every day, if I so choose).  It is challenging in ways I can handle.  I really am not an ambitious person.  I just want to make it by.  Be able to get gas for my car, food to eat and watch some DVDs a few days a week.  Simple needs.  I feel, actually, that in many ways, I have more than enough of everything I need.  There are still challenges I face daily, because that is life.  One challenge after another.


I also donated this dress.  Mainly because I don’t like the color on me.  I am pink enough as it is without accentuating that!  I have worn it enough times in photos and have specific memories of it on several occasions.  I want it OUT of the rotation.  Buh-Bye!


also bye-bye to this swimsuit.  I like the front of it but not the low scooped back.  My scoliosis seems accentuated by that.  Also, I’ve seen enough of it.  Got tired of it quick.


omg, dorkiest pic ever!


this suit seems more appropriate for me.

basic black, baby!

simple and super comfortable, except it rides up my butt, which is supposed to be sexy…. i just always hate that!  That is why i never wear thongs or g-strings.


so, you can see my back has asymmetry but it isn’t accentuated.

Oh, here is one more asinine tweet from raymi from yesterday, her “friend” talking about “me”……


She has always chased younger girls online.  Couldn’t just hang out on granny recipe blogs where she belonged.  Never invited to the party, always the wallflower desperately looking in from the outside.  Story of her life.  Never young enough… cool enough… interesting enough… attractive enough…”

This tells you exactly what kind of people we are dealing with.

Truly ridiculous.

I don’t chase anyone online, first of all!  haha.

I follow and watch a WIDE variety of accounts.  I interact with them in positive ways, all.  I am an introvert, it’s true.  SO what?!  How could I never ever have been young enough?  haha.  dumb.


I am just livin’ life.  Not going around trying to make waves or bother people.








for the record


these hot summer vacation days mean no makeup and hair doesn’t get done.

I turned in a job app today.  Gotta go thru the motions.  If I don’t, then I certainly won’t have any new experiences, will I? Gotta put myself out there.

Monday at 11AM I am going to a meditation group.


this is a fake smile.  I guess.  smiles are often an affectation.


I have been working on getting some sun on my midsection.  It is so blindingly white!  Tan lines can be attractive.  Not that I am trying to physically attract anyone.  It’s just for myself.  I honestly think that I am asexual.  As in, not sexually attracted to other people.

There are and have been many men who want to have sex with me and I really don’t care.  That is not what I want.  Sex is fine in the context of a loving relationship… I have no real problem with that. But I never go around thinking, “I want to have sex with that person!” nope. What I seek is enjoyable, enriching companionship and mutual support and caring.  That is also what makes sex way more interesting for me.  Otherwise, I usually just feel used because Sex isn’t my goal.

So, in my previous post I was expounding on my experience of being trolled and harassed by raymi.  She only gets more and more troll-y the more I try to make sense of the shit she says.  More and more straw man attacks and self-contradictory b.s. gets spewed via subtweet.  It’s so nauseating.  How anyone can stick up for her is beyond me.  Birds of a feather.   First she says my body is rumpled, then today she tweets this:


It is almost laughable.  Almost.  The way she contradicts herself.  So, she is against a world which devalues bodies because of size?  Is she in support of this?  Or is it some psychotic attempt to say this is me?  Or that this woman is more sexually desirable than I am?  It boggles the mind.  Who the f-ck knows.

also, raymi tweeted:


Had she bothered to do more than google for the first article that suited her narrative, she might have realized this shit is being spewed by someone who would not fuck her.

gross. how crude and simple-minded. these people are so soulless. I also would not have sex with the author of that article.  Dumbasses.  What the hell? Smug condescending pricks.

I was asserting in my last post that once a woman passes the age of 35, her sexuality is not as bankable and she turns it into saying that nobody wants to f*ck me except ugly drunks?  *facepalm*  I am not concerned with whether or not any man wants to have sex with me, thank you.  Why assume that I value male sexual attention?  I DON’T.  I can get it and it doesn’t make me feel better about myself at all.

raymi tweeted this which her friend is saying about me:


The fact that only old ugly drunks are willing to have sex with her is the direct cause of her anger at you and problem with pretty women in general.  She is a bitter idiot and a fraud.


Where are they coming up with this crap?  Does it make them feel better to make shit up about me?  My ‘problem with pretty women’ in general???  Huh?

Ugh.  Like I am going around trying to find men who are willing to have sex with me?  No thank you.  Don’t need any more notches on the old proverbial belt, weirdos.  Effin-A.

This is such blatant trolling.  There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. I am not mad at Raymi because I can’t get anyone good to want to have sex with me.  That is utter bullshit. What am I a fraud about, exactly?


They are organic portals. Read about it.  They harass me because I am a real living human with a soul.  They are the ones who are jealous and can’t stand it if I am happy or enjoying my life.  That is the real truth.

Let those who have eyes, see.






it’s not about you


Whenever I talk about someone else, I am really talking about myself.

K? Does that make sense?  Sometimes people think I am talking about the other person.  Nope.  I am talking about ME!!!!!

My reaction to the other person and my thoughts about them are expressions of myself.  In fact, I really think this is the case with everyone.  Whatever someone is talking about is an expression about their own self.

And on my blog I am talking to myself about myself.  Pretty much same with twitter because nobody ever responds.  This is just my thoughts.  It’s an online journal. A form of self-expression.


my friend took this pic and i am so awkward when people are taking my photo.  I hate how un-skinny i am.  But, i am posting it because this is me.  So eff it. I am working on doing arm weights and stair- stepping.  Also trying to limit wine consumption and eat more vegetables.  IMG_20180609_144856_504

here is a pic of me with my kinda grumpy sun-in-my-eyes face.

ok. so Back to talking about things.

Everyone tells me I should just ignore Raymi Lauren White.  They always ask me dumb things like, “why don’t you just block her?”

ugh.  We both have each other blocked, bro. Public forums are accessible to anyone, tho.  It isn’t that hard.

People say, “Well, just stop looking at her stuff, why do you look at it?”

Maybe it is because I know she is looking at my stuff and that she will say something mean about it and people I know follow her, including my treacherous sister.

I am aware that she is an energy vampire.  I work to protect myself.  It is a battle.

The things she says about me are really about her and my reaction to it is about me.  Can I be at peace even though someone hates me and tries to misrepresent me and my life in the most negative light possible and is a hypocrite herself?  Can I keep my energy balanced and continue working on myself and processing the hate directed toward me, transmute it into something positive for my own life?

Well.  I am processing it.  And I am going to continue to do so because I believe it helps me to grow as a person.  Nobody else cares or understands.  They think it is a simple matter of just forgetting the whole thing.

I look at it as an injustice and I want to fight for what I think is right.

I want to stand up for myself.


Trying to make sure I take care of myself in as many ways as possible.


Life throws a lot at us.  Right?

Okay, so…. here is a subtweet from Raymi … presumably she is trying to talk about me.


In my opinion, she is talking about herself.  She is very angry at me all the time and seems to need to be.

This is very trollish.

What gives her the idea that I need to be angry all the time? Is she living my life?

So, she is insinuating that I have a bunch of random, displaced anger which I spontaneously have generated due to my evil nature, I guess; and, my anger levels increase when specifically her happiness increases.  I am so unhealthy, you see.  This angelic, innocent bystander is the focus of all of my mental illness for NO REASON.  Other than I cannot stand for her to ever enjoy her life.


Gaslight much?

but then she will turn around and tweet about how much empathy she has for Heather Locklear.  “Get this girl some help!” she says.

Raymi doesn’t care about what I may have been through in my life and if anything she blames me for anything that may have been difficult for me in my life.  It’s my fault and I deserve anything bad which has ever happened to me or ever will.

Whenever I talk about her to people IRL, they always ask me if I have met her in real life.  Nope.  Never met this bitch, but she seems to know a bunch of stuff about my life which I never told her and stuff which I don’t put out there for public consumption.  Hmmmm.  I wonder how that would be?  Does she ever consider that whomever her source of information about me might be could possibly have some sort of vendetta as well?  Nope, she just assumes anything bad told to her about me has got to be true and there could not possibly be another side to any of it which would garner an ounce of empathy for my situation in life.


It was a STICKER, not a joke you posted.  A STICKER on your blog.  That wasn’t my original reason for hating you.  It was just a first impression among many which left an unpleasant taste in my mouth, so to speak.  My Dad died of alcoholism, so I didn’t find it amusing.  There are many many reasons other than this which add up to my enormous hatred of her.  I’ve never hated anyone to this level or degree.

Not being able to look at her as a good person?  All I know is her values are not in alignment with mine in many ways.  She is brash, offensive and reactionary, for starters.  I have recognized her attempts at being a comedian, and yes, comedians are often offensive.  If someone doesn’t think you are funny, that is their prerogative.  I may “get it” but i don’t like it.  I was compelled by how off-putting I found her to be.  She also had an audience, mostly of men (some women, too) who enjoyed her exhibitionism.  Which I also found to be an affront to my general modesty as a person.  I wanted to be involved in the blogging world and she had an active audience.  I wanted to have an active audience, too and I wanted to be less reserved so I studied.

I would say that when she was younger she was much more interesting but some of that was just due to the platform being new.  There are many other young women who seek attention in the way that she did back then, and they get it.  The BASIC thing I see now is that she is nearing 40 and like all women who once got a ton of attention for their youthful sexuality, is beginning to realize that isn’t as bankable anymore.  It is a common story.  As time has gone by she has become more and more ‘basic’ and boring and pathetic.  She clings to the past ‘glory days’ like a life preserver but it isn’t working sorry.  People can see the writing on the wall.  Stop living in the past.  It’s over. She was a spectacle then and she is a spectacle now for different reasons.

Honestly, I don’t begrudge her any happiness she may find.  I just find her braggadocio distasteful.  She comes across as some kind of town crier for herself.  “Look at me!  I am so unique!” (no, you are not).

I, too, am an original, authentic being (and actually she is far far far from authentic).  I have a rich mind, for sure.  Too rich, really.  I have often dreamed of being one of the ignorant sheeple, it seems so much easier.  She doesn’t seem to have to work too hard at it, tho.  All the inane celebrity worshipping, for example.  Popular culture is her God. It is gross to me.  It always seems like she is just clinging to popular culture trying to use it as a way to get some reflected glory for herself.  She watches the trending topics to look for ways to use them to get attention for herself.  It kinda works to keep her numbers up a little but the attention is superficial and short-lived.  Treading water.

She talks about my “rumpled body” and my “shitty personality” as though (if those statements were true) I am responsible for them, like I choose them.  I choose to have a “rumpled body” because I don’t know any better?  Like her body is so much better or the bodies of her female friends?  This is the attack.  She claims I am attacking her and her boyfriends.  No.  I don’t give a shit if she has a boyfriend, I just think it is totally ridiculous the way she uses them for narcissistic supply.  She has not spent any time with me so she can’t really be a judge of my personality or how people react to it.  This, to her, is some kind of competition.  SHE has an amazing body, I don’t.  She has a great personality, I don’t.

The thing is, if you look at her blog, instagram and twitter….. There are only like 7 people who regularly interact with her social media.  Accounts who are actually popular get hundreds of comments on everything they post.  Her following is actually falsely obtained by her methods of over-saturating various online platforms with old photos of her being a “thirst trap”.

Where are all of these people who care about her opinions?  Also, did my mom contact you and tell you how much she can’t stand me?  I wonder why my own mother can’t stand me?  If she really can’t stand me…. why am I unaware of this and need some bitch from Canada to announce it on her twitter feed?  Does this make ME look bad or HER that she would say something so ridiculous?  She constantly tries to tell me that no one in my family loves me or likes me. Gee, I wonder who is the angry one here?  The one who feels the need to take out their own dissatisfaction with life on someone else?

And of course, everyone always ADORES her.  and her life RULES. Which begs the question, what the hell is she doing filling her twitter timeline up with this spewed hate about a complete loser psycho???????

she has NOTHING else to do with her life but obsessively monitor the opinions of someone she hates. shrug.

What with her amazing new boyfriend and his parents and her amazing job and all of her friends and fans.  Why spend her time on me?  I’ve never understood that.

Oh, also she makes a big huge deal about being a sapiosexual.  Even branded her bicep with a tattoo indicating as much.  So, I made a joke that it must not take a lot to turn her on because most people are smarter than she is.  (haha)  her response follows:


I was not comparing her intelligence to my intelligence, but I already know I am way more intelligent than she is.  She is a complete moron.  I have witnessed how totally stupid she is a million times.  None of the above-mentioned accomplishments have anything to do with how intelligent someone is.  Sapiosexual, my ass.

I also don’t feel the need to explain to the world how intelligent I am.  I find being super smart to be problematic and unpleasant, actually.

She is so full of shit, someone finally called her on it.


So fake.  Such a hypocrite.  Anything SHE does is always explainable.  Anything I DO is always my fault and due to me just being a horrible THING.  not even human.  She said it to her blog.  Well, I AM SAYING THIS TO MY BLOG.


Like, I said, it isn’t about her.  Maybe it is about how I feel.  My thoughts about someone else’s abusive behavior toward me.  I want to be able to say my piece.  I am not supposed to have any reaction to all of this b.s.?


She is a psycho.  I know it.  Other people know it.  She may or may not know it.  I don’t think she is big on self-reflection.












too hot


Hi.  Gratuitous swimsuit shot!  Woohoo!

This hot weather brings it out.

Today will be the hottest day of the week, then we will be slightly cooling off over the next five days or so.

Last night, I rented Tomb Raider thinking it might be fun to watch.  NOPE.

Not in the least bit interesting to me.


I had no interest in it, unfortch.



omg i am at the library trying to sort thru and edit swimsuit photos but there is this man here who sat down next to me and he knows who i am so now i am like ughghghhghghghhhhhhhhhhhh go away! i can’t do what i want to do!!!!!!!  i don’t want him looking at me in a swimsuit.  so frustrating.  now another man is about to sit down directly next to me i am gonna have to get out of here.  😦

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