the main reason I ever started blogging was to keep a journal. I had already journaled my entire life as soon as I got my first irl diary. it is therapeutic. sometimes we just need an outlet. now with social media, including twitter, facebook and instagram (and more), it seems like each person stands on their own proverbial soapbox and is talking but really only talking to their own self? It doesn’t seem like anyone is interested in a dialogue. People just want their platform to talk about themself to themself. themself isn’t a word.

nobody has time to truly interact with eachother and it seems as well that they don’t even care to! it is like talking to a two-way mirror. the speaker only sees himself. the watcher or listener can try to interact with the speaker but the speaker can’t see or hear the listener. is that a good analogy?

brave new world, isn’t it?

meh.

Currently, I am sitting in a public library which is located adjacent to an elementary school. This is the first week back to school after summer vacation.

The library is working to ensure that kids do not come and hang out in the library after school and wait for their parents. The library is not about to become an impromptu babysitting service. If you want to benefit from being part of a society, you have to abide by the rules of that society. Can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

The other day, I took my daughter to the all-you-can-eat pizza lunch buffet. It was delicious but of course stupid because you really can’t eat as much as you wish you could… and all the people who were there were fat. haha.

What does that tell ya?

I wish I could bring in a plastic bag inside my purse and just pocket some pizza for later, but I never think of that ahead of time and I would probably get caught, anyway. I am sure my daughter would be mortified if I tried that, also.

way too much food for one sitting. but it was all so delish. the broccoli was yuck and i didn’t eat it.

well friends. I super duper duper need to get into better shape and it can’t happen magically or instantly so, must be trekking over to the gym for a bit. WHY OH WHY do i always think that I don’t want to go?

Significator: Knight of Pentacles

Near Future: 5 of Wands

More Distant Future: The Fool

Recent Past: 9 of Swords

More Distant Past: 8 of Pentacles

Underneath it all (Subconscious): King of Pentacles

This could be about a man in my life, if so– I have a hunch who it would be. Otherwise it points to positive outcomes in all areas of life, so that’s good.

Hopes and Fears: 2 of hearts (reversed)

Challenge I face: 2 of Wands

Time to choose between what is familiar and what is good for my growth.

How I see myself: 8 of Cups

Time for a change. Not satisfied.

What the Universe is bringing in: 5 of cups

Who is in my space? Ace of Swords

Outcome: Q of cups, Knight of Swords, 5 of swords (reversed)

Continue reading →

Hi, I don’t look cute here, obvs. i should have smiled. always should be smiling but oh well!!!!

the point is, i made it to the gym and worked out and i feel fabulous.

i hate shorts which have a unnecessary drawstring! what the heck? all it does is create bumps under your shirt! lame. maybe i should cut the shirt? make it shorter? I always have this problem. too much material on top of my stomach and waist area, increasing the bulk of that area. why?

wearing clothes is so hard. i will cut the drawstring off as i always do.

what do you love?

So, I have an assignment to write about how I would like my life to be.

At first, when I am asked to do this, I feel like I am at a loss and have no clue. Sometimes it is easier to think of what I don’t want!

Yesterday a younger coworker (28) was so easily talking about how he wants his life to be. He knows. I am like, “Idk?” haha

So, I will try. Sometimes I can look at my own life and a lot of it is actually how I want it but there are tweaks I would make. Maybe I am supposed to imagine my dream life? “Or do I need to stay realistic?” Should I think of it in terms of, “What if I was plopped down on an island and I could make my life any way I could imagine? Carte Blanche”

I’m just stalling.

I like living near water. Rivers. That is a normal human thing. Water is life. I want to have a garden. Herbs, flowers, a witchy garden. Preferred climate is cooler weather. Convenient climate assistance (central heat and air) is huge in life. Once you don’t have it, you really really really wish you did. The basics might sound obvious but electricity which works properly, running water (including hot) and a flushing toilet are SO helpful in life. Live without them and you will see what a huge privilege it is to have those things. Some might say it should be considered a right. It really isn’t, though. You would think that after all this time of humans being on earth we would have prioritized making these basic comforts available to all but nope.

Comfort. Comfortable places to sit to eat, to relax. My current living situation does not have a comfortable sitting place. My “sofa” is a bed. Can’t bend your legs. That is huge. Outside, we have an umbrella patio table, but if I sit out there, I am sacrificing privacy, which is huge for an introverted artist type.

Places to store things where I can see what I have, it can be organized and sorted through with ease. Right now, my storage is so limited so I have to start getting rid of stuff and it seems so overwhelming.

I would say that I just have to start ‘tweaking’ my current life to continue to make it more how I would like and what would lead to more ‘happiness’, ‘peace’ and ‘comfort’ for me. This would lead to me being more likely to engage in pursuits of interest to me, such as painting/art, reading, listening to music… I am not a victim, I am a co-creator.

hi. i was inspired by lenu dunham to get this homemade old lady nightie.

a sardine meal i made a while back.

all my housemates went to a bbq. they asked me to go but i said no thanks, but bring me a plate and someone actually did! it was delicious.

and then i pretended i was on a boat. well, i was on a boat… but just not in the water.

well, i left the house with a dying phone battery so now i want to go back home and charge up.

today is my last day off this week and i will work the weekend and then I have 5 days off. 🙂

The day before yesterday, I took my daughter to the movies and the mall and bought her a little gift because she got straight A’s on her final report card of 7th grade.

we have a big garden where i live, so i have been making salads. in this salad, the lettuce is the only item from our garden.

Same with this one, these are lettuce fish tacos. fresh and delicious, made by me.

still been gym’n it. i didn’t work out last week tho because i worked two extra shifts for a coworker and i was just beat. standing on my feet for 8 hours does a number on my crooked-spined body. i did go back for a session with my trainer today and it was great. loved it. a 1-hr workout.

i should make a planner schedule for how i want to utilize my 5 days off in a row that way i can get some stuff sorted. i have been continuing to make an effort to socialize with my roommate/neighbor peeps. one thing i dislike about that is human interaction with housemates ends up leading to drama one way or another. i always think it is so much easier to just avoid/ignore them all as much as possible. but whatever. i am human, so are they.

i worked on July 4th, actually and when i got home, the housemates had bbq’d a ton of hot dogs…. so i joined them for a plate. that is real sauerkraut on my burnt doggie. looks kinda weirdish but tastes great.

my work attire on the 4th. oops, my antennae were on backward. the other side is much cuter with blue feathers and sparkles. got lots of compliments. nobody else was as goofily attired as the new girl (me).

there are many comments I could make about how pointless dating sites are. One is that you absolutely cannot tell if you will hit it off with someone based upon an online profile. NOT EVEN CLOSE. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I don’t want to deal with some random guy who is nothing like what I am looking for and I KNOW IT and he is like, “But I think you are really attractive and would love to date you!”

Come on, bro. I am not on a dating site because I don’t think anyone will find me attractive. I am not on a dating site because I am desperate for a date. I am not desperate to be in a relationship or have a boyfriend. So, CHILL! The only thing we should be focusing on is, Would you like to meet for “coffee” to see if there is even a remote chance that we would even enjoy being on a date together. My experience is this: every guy I have ever met on a dating site has not been anyone I really cared if I ever saw again for the rest of my life and the only times I DID feel an inkling I wanted to see him again or HE wanted to see me again, that was still NO GUARANTEE that we were compatible in life or that anything would develop out of it.

So, yeah. I am jaded. I am not a starry-eyed idealist who thinks that because someone saw my photo and can picture living happily ever after with me in his mind after one DM…..that there is any reason to get excited.

The truth is… dating sites are a joke and a complete waste of time. The end.

And if you live a 2-hr drive away, it IS NOT GOING TO WORK. I don’t live in a fantasy world. This is real life where both people have jobs and families and outside obligations and dating is something to add into all of that. I have also learned that even dating someone for a YEAR is NO GUARANTEE that there is any real compatibility or that it will actually work out!

The end-result of the kind of relationship I would actually like to have is extremely rare and I am ok with that. Meanwhile, life goes on every day and I am living it as best I can manage. I hope you are too, random dude on a dating site who sent me a message and I responded.

My Red Flag alert system is set to filter out even the slightest hint of pink at this point. I have been through enough drama for ten lifetimes.

Thanks. 🙂

I finally did a new reading for myself! Whilst shuffling the deck, I was focusing on my current choices and the direction which I would like to see my life headed. So, here is the answer/guidance.

Significator: 2 Cups (as well as Temperance, as this is the Illuminated Tarot deck). Focus on what’s really important and direct your energy accordingly.

Recent Past: Page of Wands I am going to interpret this as someone in my life in the recent past who can be “…all ideas, no substance. This person can think up great things but lacks when it comes to actually taking action.”

More Distant Past: 4 Pentacles “Four of Pentacles in the Past position can mean that you’ve set yourself up for the current position you’re in, most likely by hanging on to something in a material sense. Letting go of the past and breaking bonds is a natural way to move on, and sometimes a good way. It may seem difficult to even consider it, but thinking about it won’t hurt.”

Near Future: Ace of Wands “You may find that you will start a new job.”

More Distant Future: 2 of Wands (inverted) May be pleasantly surprised by a new job offer or other new endeavors.

How I see my situation: 9 of Wands and The Sun “You are moving into a totally new phase and you are looking around in wonder like you are seeing things and people for the first time. I think you have grown immensely. I think that the people and circumstances that used to support you, no longer do because you are seeing things with a new enlightened perspective.“

Subconscious: Page of Cups

Questions to Answer:

1. Who depends on you emotionally?
2. What does your intuition say to do?
3. How can you serve others?
4. Who offers unqualified, non-judgmental love?

Hopes and Fears: 4 of Wands (reversed) can indicate a short-term employment contract or temping before something more permanent comes along.

Sky (what the universe is bringing in): 10 of Cups and Wheel of Fortune “Embrace this feeling of thriving, for soon you will begin a new journey, and life will continue on.” “…those types of major considerations one must face to move onto the next step along a path, if not a new path altogether.“

Challenge: 5 of Spades (reversed) and Heirophant Accept things as they are, don’t waste your energy fighting the way things are. Maybe you are too rebellious.

Who or what is in my space: 3 of Wands The feeling of waiting and not knowing.

Outcome: 5 of Swords, The Fool, 5 of Wands Don’t need to prove myself to the competition, only to myself. Find a win/win situation. Be content with who you are, just the way you are.

So, for almost a month I have been looking for supplemental employment. It can’t be just anything. I have specific requirements. Every day I do some work toward this goal and finally, I have an interview tomorrow for something I am kinda excited about. It is nice to finally see some kind of movement in the direction of fulfillment.

I struggle sometimes against entropy. Well, we all do, I’m sure. It takes a lot of conscious focus and effort to move in the direction I want to go…. and many people seem to also pull at me to kind of hold me back or distract me or convince me that their agenda is more important. So it is a lovely feeling when I see myself making forward progress despite all of this.

I joined a gym using some of my birthday money, figuring it is always a good idea to stay active…. get out of my comfort zone and stop complaining about things I have the power to change.

I have not been physically active at all for the past couple of years. I fear the painful repercussions which may come due to my abnormal spinal curvature. But being inactive isn’t going to help matters. It is good to incorporate this into my days, especially since I have been off work for a couple of weeks, now.

so anyway, we are all in this together. it ain’t always easy but it is what you make of it. so don’t give up! keep truckin’ and make life happen. sound good?