it’s a good thing I have a doctor appointment to look at my back xrays tomorrow, because yesterday and today I have had the worst back pain I’ve ever had in my life! so I really would like to figure out some kind of a solution to this problem. even sitting down or lying down are uncomfortable and I’ve been trying to find a position where I can rest and relax without feeling pain. I’ll find one and it works for a while but then it stops working and the moving around to trying to find new position seems to just make it all worse so I’m left with just having to be still. I’m sure it’s a wonderful character building life lesson for me but in the meantime it really sucks.
Friday we went to the flea market and that was fun I want to go back. it had been over a year since I’ve gone. it only cost 3 dollars to park and then you can go in to a world of wonder to look around at everything that’s there! I’ll be doing a post on that tomorrow.
probably this photo is capturing the exact moment when I injured my back.
so then all day yesterday I was in really bad pain and I was in denial about it so I was having an emotional reaction to the pain, one of sadness and anger and frustration. it’s not fun to have a large portion of your free will taken away.
I had been planning on helping my boyfriend set up his karaoke equipment because he’s going to try to sell it and he wants to have it ready to be demo-ed to prospective purchasers but I started to try to help him and I just couldn’t do it at all. I couldn’t even sit up to watch or just sit in there while he was setting it up in the garage– so, I had to go lie down and watch a movie and he made dinner. we were going to barbecue and he had to do that by himself. then I went to go eat with him and I could only take two bites and the discomfort was so much that I just had to go lie back down. very frustrating and I was a bit of a big baby making a crying scene about it he tried to be nice and he got me some Advil and watched the movie with me for a little while. I just didn’t like what was happening and I guess I ended up feeling frustrated towards him so then I went home even though I really didn’t want to get up and go drive somewhere.
Anyway, moving on… I just now got done watching a movie and it was pretty stupid. called Area 51, a recent release. it’s basically the same thing as a lot of movies that have come out recently where they make it seem like its filmed with a cell phone or some kind of handheld recorder and they make it seem like it’s really happening when it’s obviously actors and it’s supposed to be scary but nothing scary really happens, it’s all off-camera whatever it is. #lame #playedout
a funny thing about Pain is that your pain threshold increases, and if you have chronic pain, it’s like, if someone were to suddenly experience the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis they would probably be immobilized. and the pain that’s immobilizing me now, I could get used to and live with probably, if it continued on for several days. Gnome sayin’?
anyway I feel like sometimes pain is teaching us a life lesson and it’s a manifestation physically of what we might be going through in our psyche. at this point I think it has a lot to do with teaching me about how much control I actually have over things/situations/other people in my life. I mean it really brings it home when you cannot escape the pain that you’re experiencing, when there’s nothing at all that you can do to get rid of it other than to be still and breathe. I tried stretching and I think I did so many different stretches that I actually overexerted my muscles.
it’s hard on your ego too because if you were planning on having some fun and you don’t get to have that fun and like lets say everyone else is out there having fun and all you’re allowed to do is sit on the couch or a bed and read or watch a movie and other people are out doing the fun things and how can you get mad about that? all you can do is surrender to the situation.
so this applies to other people, their opinions, the things they say about you, the choices they make. you really can’t control it and if you try really hard to control it, it’s just going to backfire on you. so the best thing to do is to let it go and accept reality, accept things as they are.