that’s okay though, I could use a little bit more discipline in my life right now. there’ve been too many days over the past few weeks where I spend most of it lying around thinking of things that I could do and then thinking of the reasons why I shouldn’t bother. in that sense I’m sort of conservative because I try to avoid driving anywhere, spending money, using gas, buying things. all that stuff doesn’t need to happen on a daily basis.
wow. I was right in the middle of doing this blog post and was interrupted by a complete blast from the past! that can really throw you for a loop, can’t it? an old boyfriend texted me a photo that his neighbor sent to him from when I was 25 years old. I look much younger than that because I’ve always looked younger than I am and I never liked it. now I would like it, of course, but back then I didn’t like it.
do people and their drama just astound you? I really cannot believe the games that people play and the weird manipulations that go on behind the scenes. you wouldn’t believe half of it if I told you with regard to some of the people that I know and what kind of people they present themselves to be and then what they really are and what they’ve really done… but it’s just weird because it seems like in this world the people who succeed and get ahead are the greedy ones and the ones who are very selfish and are always just looking out for themselves. that’s what it takes to appear as though you’re winning because people who don’t value winning don’t strive to win because it’s meaningless to them. the realization that everything is fine the way it is and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone causes you to not really be an overachiever. I’ve always had the hamlet syndrome, the underachiever thing. it doesn’t really bother me.
what I mean to say is that people who do the right thing don’t always appear as though they have done the right thing because it may seem as though they did not succeed or ‘win’ in certain situations; but, that doesn’t make them wrong or a failure. Some people are just better at presenting themselves as happy and successful.
my aspiration is to be a good person by being honest, by not using other people, by giving to others whenever I’m able to do so and taking care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability. I don’t feel like I’m in this world to be out for myself as far as what can I get, how much can I get? I just want to be able to have the bare minimum to survive and enough that I can give to the people who love me and the people that I love, even if it’s just being able to give to them some of my time and attention. any extras that come to me are very much appreciated and enjoyed. but more than anything I really just like to be able to relax in nature and look at the trees on the water and relax my body and breathe and just have time to think and to take care of basic things like cleaning and cooking and doing laundry.