i am at the library. today was kinda like a boring day at work but boring/easy is better than not boring/demanding like some days can be. so i’ll take it.
my job is still pretty cool, all in all. nothing is ‘perfect’ tho, right? or is it? haha.
this is a pic i would not normally desire to share because of my own insecurities about my age and appearance but i am trying to continue working on self-acceptance and not just totally deluding myself about how i look.
as well, i am trying to work on not deluding myself about anything, if i can help it. but sometimes, yeah, you do have to because part of life is having things not be exactly how you want or wish they would be.
look, i’m sorry if i am a jerk and i probably am sometimes… who isn’t? i’m no Mother Teresa.
in other news, it seems like the relationship i’ve been wanting is more likely to continue. the guy i’ve got a ‘thing for’ seems to be coming around. he’s talking about things like this is gonna be long-term… making plans for camping trip this summer and traveling to germany in a few years or so. i’m starting to feel like it’s the real deal and that is great! normally, i’m extremely cynical and there is still that underlying tendency in me… but i’m working on that little doubting voice… saying, ‘hey, let’s see what happens, maybe just let it be and see?’ and yeah. it’s a good thing. maybe i can relax a bit. there will always be challenges but the main one is kind of dealt with and it is this: if it doesn’t work out, i will live and it won’t be the end of the world.
he has a very positive attitude about everything, pretty much. maybe it’s a skill which is more developed in him than in me. i mean, i AM a survivor and have a strong will, that is for sure, but i was brought up by pessimists, so it’s a little bit ingrained… we see ourselves as realists, we pessimists….
life is life. impermanence is the main theme. this may very well be a simulated reality, a virtual reality we live in. can you be sure it’s not?
i’m pretty sure he is a pretty cool dude, as far as my opinion of cool dudes, goes.
i do know one thing, which i think is pretty important in a relationship, is i get a little thrill when i think about him and remember when i first saw him and other times we have shared and when i think about seeing him again.
and i have weird fantasies about taking care of him when he gets old. haha. i’m strange, i know.
he says he has noticed an improvement in my appearance. that’s nice. i’ve been just being more conscious about what i eat, mostly. trying to be moderate in my habits… trying to stay more focused on my body. it’s great. i go through phases.
blah blah. bottom line right now is that life is work but we make sacrifices and we don’t spend a ton of time beating ourselves up because that doesn’t do any good.
my main goal would be to follow the buddhist concept of …. if you can’t help someone, at least don’t hurt them…. but as i said, i’m not perfect and sometimes i don’t realize everything and sometimes i am a jerk.