the idea of something

I’ve been out of sorts. Perhaps I’m always out of sorts. It’s hard to say. It’s hard For me to admit that I have become probably very addicted to my Habits.. one of them is sleeping in my own bed and I really don’t sleep well when I’m not at home in my own bed no matter how much I wish or romanticize that I could. It kind of makes it difficult sometimes if you’re trying to have a relationship and you want to sleep with the other person but neither of you sleep so well and blah blah blah blah blah… It’s so weird when in the middle of the night you wake up and you just aren’t able to go back to sleep but if you try to read your eyes are just like burning and watering everywhere.

this Valentine’s day I learned more about being true to myself and not staying in a relationship that isn’t working because I’m not happy and it doesn’t seem like the other person is happy either and no matter how much fun we had last summer it just isn’t carrying through…
I like him and am attracted to him But there are other factors and a lot of stuff that just doesn’t seem like it can get worked out sometimes it starts to feel like I just really can’t have relationships with other people.

It can be difficult when you feel like you’ve shared a lot of intimacy with someone but kind of really… you didn’t? it’s kind of confusing actually. But whatever it is what it is right I’ve got to just keep on keepin on keep on being me and be true to myself that’s all I can do.
Tried on this jacket, liked it, didn’t buy it. You know you can kind of make things look good if you stand a certain way in the mirror when you’re taking a picture but in real life like I have posture issues scoliosis kind of like a gut you know I’m 41 going through early menopause probably have thyroid issues I have no idea but sometimes you think I’ll get it and it’ll be motivation for me to get into better shape but I don’t know what so ever going to motivate me to do that I mean I’m in a lot of pain physically that’s the truth it’s true. Cute idea tho. Some people wear stuff even though they don’t have the body for it and you know I’m actually proud of those people I wish I could be that way but I tend to be uncomfortable if you know what I feel like something doesn’t fit right.

What picture is this? Blogging by phone you kind of cant tell what you’re really doing. Oh, okay, its some of my Valentine’s booty. I can’t really complain about my Valentine’s Day because that’s exactly what I wanted and made it to be I could have gone to a wedding decided I didn’t want to go didn’t think it was going to be something I would have fun with for whatever reason I don’t know what my problem is you know so I didn’t go. I probably actually do have valid reasons for not going but at the same time I figure if I would have went if I were strong enough and bold enough I could have made it work but I just wasn’t down for it I guess. Wasn’t in the stars, so to speak.

probably just that he and I are not truly romantically compatible. Maybe I’m not romantically compatible with anyone. Srsly. Or maybe its just too big of a haystack, these days.

Tomorrow will be a good day, I’m sure of it. Today was good, even tho I was slightly grumpy.

Tomorrow I will do dishes and clean out my fridge and boil some eggs and cook up some sort of quinoa mixture. Today, I bought carrots and a cuke.



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